Self-Esteem or Self-Worthiness?
Self-esteem is a very familiar concept. High self-esteem is usually associated with confidence and success, while low self-esteem is seen to be related to lack of success and depression. However, in recent times, psychologists are rethinking this paradigm, contemplating whether the idea of high or low self-esteem is harmful or helpful. Some even think the term does not represent any concrete reality in humans, and as such does not exist. There are valid arguments on all sides, which makes evident the need for further investigation and thinking on the matter. I believe in the realness and value of self-esteem. However, I also believe the terminology transposes competencies or lack thereof for our value as human beings. As such a terminology that captures the value of what it means to be human without equivocation is needed.
This discussion will utilize a pedagogical approach. First, it will address some of the different ideas of the concept of the Self, for the simple fact that it is the foundation on which the edifice of self-esteem is built. Next, it will attempt a definition of self-esteem and then propose a new paradigm, self-worthiness. Finally, it will discuss some helpful ways through which we can reclaim our sense of self-worthiness. We are adopting this approach because; the way a thing is understood, determines how we interact with it. The phenomena of the self is a composite of seemingly elusive constituents. Like Carl Jung said, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. Now let us begin with the first building block, the Self.
What is the Self?
The self has been viewed as synonymous with person and is identified as having the proper attributes of a human being, that is; something capable of engaging in rational activity.[1] Meaning that the self, a composite of body and soul, is capable of logical and moral abstractions. As such we possess the ability to distinguish between good and bad, as well as the capacity to arrive at logical conclusions from available premises. David Hume articulates the self very differently, as a bundle of experiences[2], implying that the self does not have a concrete reality, but is a conglomeration of events all of which culminate to form this entity called the self. Hume’s position does not seem to distinguish the experiences from the experiencing self. To take it further, we can even talk about the self that is aware of the experiencing self; for to be aware that the self is having an experience, implies that there is a self that is aware of the experiencing-self.
Eastern thoughts do not contest the existence of the self, neither do they try to define it They rather propose an understanding of it while not negating the challenge of the task. In the Tao Te Ching for instance, Lao Tzu says, “he who knows other men is discerning. He who knows himself is enlightened. He who overcomes others is strong, he who overcomes himself is mighty.” In essence, equating self-awareness with wisdom and self-mastery or self-control with might. Then in the Bhagavad Gita, the Hindu holy book, the knowledge of the self is discussed as the hallmark of existence. It says, “self-knowledge alone eradicates misery.”[3] An ancient corollary of the saying, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Both thoughts presuppose that the concept of the self is not in contention, and then affirm that the task of the individual is first to understand why the self exists, then secondly, to act in accord with that quintessential raison d’etre.
Some contemporary thoughts define the self as the sum total of all that one possesses.[4] The self, according to this definition, has several constituent parts; the material self (things we rightfully own), social self (recognition/status from/in society), spiritual self (our truest self; our faculties), and pure Ego.[5] This definition sees the self as a possessing entity. That is, to articulate the idea of the self, look no further than what a person owns. Yet again, the question remains, if the spiritual self is our truest self, does it mean that the other components of the self are less of the self?
Looking at these definitions, two ideas emerge: 1. the self has the potential for actions, rational and moral abstractions, along with the ability to possess things. 2. It has the capacity for self-knowledge and mastery. But applying these to our idea of self-esteem, a disconnect becomes apparent. Our current idea of self-esteem seem to only takes into consideration the individuals subjective sense of competence, without any reference to self-awareness or self-mastery. For if high self-esteem correlates with success, it should also correlate with optimal inter-human interactions. But we know this isn’t the case.
We therefore see definitions of self-esteem such as: “Self-esteem is … a positive or negative orientation toward one-self, as an overall evaluation of ones’ worth or value…” influenced by complex social and environmental systems that may fluctuate due to time and context.[6] This fluidity implies that the idea of self-esteem oscillates depending on situations, circumstances and one’s internal disposition at a given time. This is a highly problematic and an unreliable position to be in. Because you cannot actually have a stable sense of self, which invariably means a constant questioning of who you are, depending on what is going on around you and how you feel about those things. Lauren Slater in the New York Times article, The Trouble With Self-Esteem, tried to create an objective picture of what the concept means by juxtaposing our contemporary idea with its corollary antithesis such as in the works of Roy Baumeister and Nicholas Emler.[7] Emler argues that no justifiable evidence exists that low self-esteem predicts lack of success, if anything those with low self-esteem seem to try harder at things, which inevitably leads to success. Baumeister ups the ante a notch by saying that high self-esteem can actually cause harm. He and other psychologists have conducted studies that demonstrate that those with high self-esteem pose a greater threat to people around them than those with low-self esteem. Lauren then goes ahead to suggest self-control as the term we should employ instead of self-esteem, since discipline which drives self-control leads to a balanced person.
Now, I do not think there is anything essentially wrong with the concept of self-esteem. Neither do I see a problem with proposing high self-esteem as a standard to strive for. The problem, I believe is in our understanding of the self and self-esteem, which we explored earlier. For if as a self, I am only that which is capable of possessing; intellect or material goods, then it will make sense that my understanding of self-esteem high or low will flounder because my sense of esteem, high or low will be proportionate to how much I think I possess a certain sought after prize as determined by my environment. For instance Baumeister comments, “people with high self-esteem may indeed have accurate perceptions of their many fine qualities. But they may also just be arrogant.”[8] One can say the same of someone who has low self-esteem, who thinks their qualities are below par while in actuality they are sincerely modest. In the one case, the perception of competence is correct, but self awareness is lacking, while in the other, some degree of self-awareness may be present, but does not seem to permeate the whole person.
The understanding of the self and of self-esteem should be after a manner that is honest, objective and detached. But since this is not the case, we therefore seem to interchange competence with self-esteem. And we perceive self-esteem, not as an objective phenomena, but an absolute subjective, which is not only dangerous but also foolish. Because if I believe that I am absolutely capable of flying a Fighter Jet plane because I have played countless hours of Fighter Jet video games, not only am I delusional, but am also dangerously simple.
On the positive side, these definitions of self and self-esteem reveal that both concepts imply autonomous agency and responsibility. But in our everyday interaction we hear expressions such as, “that’s how I am” or “I can’t do such as such” languages that indicate a lack of agency. Seeming to imply that the way we experience ourselves in a certain situation is all that there is to us. That our actions and behaviors are indelibly etched into our DNA and therefore our personalities are determined by unknown forces beyond our control.
Assuming this is the reality, it becomes impossible for anyone to rebuild their sense of self; a person with low self-esteem can never have high self-esteem and a jerk with high self-esteem, well…we got to put up with him/her because that’s what nature has given us. And we cannot demand any standards from them, because they are not responsible for their actions. I therefore believe a new paradigm is necessary. Self-worthiness maybe a better paradigm through which to address our issues of esteem. The value or worth of a human being is in the fact of being human, not in our competencies. Self-worthiness acknowledges that you are worthy because you are human, but it also challenges you to be the best human you can possibly be. It does not admit of degrees, because what makes you worthy is not in anything you do or don’t do. You are worthy because you are human. Self-worthiness demands certain responsibilities of you. It demands; Self-awareness, Self-mastery and Rationality, all of which requires an objective, unbiased look at oneself. It may also require soliciting honest and objective feedback from others.
Reclaiming your Self-Worthiness
How then can we take back the control we had relinquished so as to recover our sense of worthiness? First, acknowledge that we have relinquished control. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program has a set of a dozen principles. The first is, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”[9] The meaning behind this first dictum is the realization and acknowledgement of the problem. If the alcoholic does not acknowledge that s/he is an alcoholic, there is no way they will make effort towards being sober. The same applies to our need to reclaim our sense of self-worthiness, which really is our sense of balance and psychological congruency. We first have to recognize and acknowledge that we have relinquished control for the responsibility for our lives. We have to stop the blame game; blaming everyone else about how shitty our lives have become. But then, how does one even begin to acknowledge something that he does not even know exists? There are a few things that have helped me and many others over time attain and retain a certain sense of clarity and internal guidance. I’ll now share them with you.
Self-Awareness: At the temple of Apollo at Delphi, one of the expressions over the arch way entrances into the temple reads, “Know thyself” and for our Greek scholars, γνῶθι σεαυτόν, (hope that tickled). Self-awareness is more than just knowing what color jeans you’d like to wear out to the club tonight. It is more in understanding yourself; knowing why you do what you do. Understanding why you make the choices you make. Knowing what propels you and why. Understanding why the things that make you happy, sad, excited, or enraged get you there. It is understanding what you are capable of, both good and bad, and how it is you became capable of such things. Self-awareness is in knowing your strengths, weaknesses and their degree. A few things that can help you with being self-aware are: meditation; it helps to keep us grounded within ourselves. Then there’s Journaling; which helps one reflect and encourages accountability for ones thoughts and actions. Establishing meaningful relationships; not every relationship is worth keeping. If a relationship is not helping you become your best self, let it go. Engaging in meaningful conversations; these are conversations about things that will help you improve. It is not office gossip or talking about reality tv shows.
Helpful links: https://www.headspace.com/; https://mindfulnessexercises.com/ (I have never used any of these, but people say they work). Any quiet place in your home or in nature (any park or the beach will do, for me at least).
Meaningful Work: St. Thomas Aquinas says that the human person finds fulfillment through study and work. Hence, part of reestablishing one’s sense of self-worthiness is engaging meaningful work. This is not the job you do to pay your bills, though it can be that as well. This type of work is one that allows us to expand and expend ourselves beyond our comfort zones for the good of others. It can be volunteering as often as you can at a place that people can really use your help. It can also be your regular job, insofar as you are doing it not just for the paycheck, but for the good of the people you serve through your job.
Helpful links: https://www.volunteermatch.org/ https://www.humanesociety.org/volunteer
Generosity: It can be with anything you possess; your time, money, material, knowledge, etc, anything. In short, it refers to whenever and however we can spend ourselves for the good of others. That said, it is sometimes difficult to be generous and at other times it will go unnoticed or unappreciated. However, like Theresa of Calcutta would say, “… do it anyway…. It was never between you and them anyway.” When we are generous, it brings a sense of happiness, but more importantly, it makes us more grateful. It reminds us of times we too received generosity from others. It helps create a spirit of gratitude. To begin practicing; you can donate financially to a cause, (even overseas. There are great needs for simple basic things and you can partner with someone, a church, an organizations, overseas or locally and fund children’s schooling, feeding families, etc); you can lend your expertise to people who need it; you can give away those articles of clothing or anything else from your home that are still in good condition that you no longer make use of. My own rule of thumb is, anything I don’t use after 6 months, I give away.
Helpful links: https://dressforsuccess.org/; https://baby2baby.org/
Self-esteem is a good concept but it leaves room for equivocation. Self-worthiness removes that equivocation and addresses the core of what it means to be human.
Recommended Reading
1. https://www.nytimes.com/2002/02/03/magazine/the-trouble-with-self-esteem.html
2. https://teachlikeachampion.com/wp-content/uploads/Baumeister-RE-THINKING-SELF-ESTEEM.pdf
[1] http://jraissati.com/PHIL201/Aristotle-DeAnima-BooksII-III-EN.pdf
[2] On Human Nature, David Hume
[3] The Bhagavad-Gita with the Commentary of Sri Sankaracharya.pdf, pg 15
[4] William James-1890 Principles_of_Psychology_vol_I.pdf, pg 291
[5] Ibid
[6] Rose, C. A., Slaten, C. D., & Preast, J. L. (2017). Bully Perpetration and Self-Esteem: Examining the Relation Over Time. Behavioral Disorders, 42(4), 159–169. https://www.jstor.org/stable/26660184
[7] https://www.nytimes.com/2002/02/03/magazine/the-trouble-with-self-esteem.html
[8] https://teachlikeachampion.com/wp-content/uploads/Baumeister-RE-THINKING-SELF-ESTEEM.pdf
[9] https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf