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Is Marriage a Failed Institution?

Is Marriage a Failed Institution? Darwin taught us that only the fittest organisms survive. And as reward for their ‘efforts’, they get to pass-on their genes. For most organisms, for the most part, this

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December 15th, 2021

Tag Archives: self esteem

Is Marriage a Failed Institution?

Is Marriage a Failed Institution?

Darwin taught us that only the fittest organisms survive. And as reward for their ‘efforts’, they get to pass-on their genes. For most organisms, for the most part, this is true. Humans, however, have turned this law on its head. In comparison to the Siberian Tiger or an African Bull Elephant, we are neither fitter nor stronger, yet we are outperforming all of them! And worse still, our action of hunting, is causing the extinction of some of these majestic and ferocious beasts; the Tasmanian Tigers that once roamed the Down Under and the Black Rhinos on the plains of African, are no more. What makes it possible then that the actions of a significantly weaker organism is causing the extinction of its stronger and fitter counterparts? The answer lies in our ability to form intentional coalitions. It is our ability to form and maintain relationships.

 

There are many forms of relationships, but this article will discuss the idea of marriage. We will attempt to answer the question: whether marriage is a failed institution? High divorce rates and infidelity are causing some to question its validity. To offer a fitting response, we need an understanding of what marriage means. And for that we need to begin from the beginning. This beginning is that every marriage builds on an existing relationship. Every marriage builds on friendship.

 

To the above, therefore, I answer that: No. Marriage is not a failed institution. The problem is that we have lost an understanding of what the concept connotes, and have come to perceive it as a mere social convenience or religious bigotry. To reorient ourselves, we need to clarify a few things again. First and foremost, marriage is a not an invention; it is not something created by society. It is rather an expression; society recognizing and naming what humans choose to do intuitively.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. And contrary to some opinions, your marriage is not a piece of paper no more than an education is a diploma. Marriage is not what you do before a Judge or before some guy or gurl you got drunk with the night before in Vegas and he/she is now wedding you and the stripper that gave you a lap dance. But hey, who am I to judge? It is a free world, right? Right!

Marriage happens between you and your partner long after the “I do”. And prep work for it begins in you as an individual, long before you walk down that isle and continues in both of you long after you’ve had your first kiss. So, what does marriage mean? It is the self-giving of one for the good of the other. Genesis 2:24 says; “that is why a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and the two become one flesh.” When we get married, something new is supposed to happen. Ideally, an entirely new entity is created. Because, after you marry two objects or elements, something new comes forth. Such is marriage. The intentional creation of a new unique entity, born from love and sustained with love, honor, integrity and commitment. Marriage is a solemn continuous declaration, because you’ll have to make a choice for that person again and again. In order words, when the two people decide, and get married, they are now a new creation, one person, of sorts, emerges after they profess, “I do”- hence “the two become one flesh.” This means that when you say “I do”, you declare your life for that person and more so, because none of you knows what the future holds, you are saying in those two words, “I do”; “hold me to my word. I’ll be there for you through thick and thin. I pledge myself and my resources for your welfare. On my honor, I am committed to you.” This is what your “I do” means. This is what marriage is- a union born of love, sustained by love-infused honor and commitment, declared for the good of the other. Marriage is a natural next step in a relationship between a man and a woman. It is unique to the couple. Everything else that now surrounds it; the courts, churches, pictures and paparazzi’s, are non-essential extras in the expression of a marital union.

If this is what marriage means, are prenuptial agreements necessary? In simple terms, no. To go into such a covenant that is supposed to rest on honor, integrity, commitment and love with a “just in case” clause, which is what prenuptial agreements are, “just in case you do not prove to be as honorable as I thought…, I got myself covered,” just means that supposed love, integrity and honor that are foundational to, and sustains a marriage are nonexistent or shaky at best. Therefore, there really isn’t a marriage. Cohabitation, maybe. I believe the idea of marriage as a mere social construct for the satisfaction of some religious zest, stems from ignorance; a general societal intellectual sloth that we have encouraged with our quick fixes and instant gratification. Marriage is at once a gift and a sacrifice. But it begins in friendship. But every friendship, relationship that’s worth its name, takes work. It will cost you something.

 

Many of us will make money, acquire degrees, build spectacular edifices, testaments to the creativity and intelligence of our specie. Yet none of these things fill us with content or regret when we are on our death beds. Rather, at that time, we seem to focus on our relationships; “I wish I spent more time with my wife and kids”, “I wish I was nicer to my sister”; “I wish I was a better friend.” If this is the one constant that we worry about when we are close to death, why are we not very effective at building and maintaining good relationships?

A very good friend of mine once told me that friendship is the foretaste of heaven. Careful thinking reveals the veracity of this statement. No one can deny the positive impact of good friendships. A scary statistic reveals that once every 40 seconds someone commits suicide. Leading to nearly a million deaths annually, twice the number of those killed in homicides.[1] The root cause for the above statistic have not been explicitly addressed, but we can reliably deduce from studies on well-being and happiness, that people that have close friendships or a support system generally report higher life satisfaction and are less prone to self-harm. Good friendships are indeed the bliss of life. However, we all know the saying, good friends are hard to find, and good relationships take work.

 

This is because in any true relationship, you are seen and loved exactly as you are, which however, does not mean the acceptance of mediocrity. To the contrary, it challenges and encourages you to be the best version of yourself which will not always be pleasant. But you are loved and can be secure in that knowledge. The nature of relationships being between two people means that conflicts are inevitable. These challenges are not necessarily negative. Conflicts or challenges are opportunities, but they are particular types of opportunities, of which the way you handle them have consequences. Uranium, for instance, is a particular type of element. Handled correctly, can generate immense power and very clean energy at that, but handled poorly will level entire cities and render them uninhabitable for years thereafter; Chernobyl and Fukushima are testaments. So too relationships, regardless of its nature and the inevitable conflicts that stem from them, are opportunities that if handled well, yields immense benefits, and if handled carelessly, can scar and mar people for life or at best, for a very long time. Take the case of a woman who is married but literally recoils at the touch of the man she loves and has married. Not because she is repulsed by him, but because the man who was supposed to have been her protector and guide, her father, molested and raped her when she was a child. Or consider the case of the man who serial dates and dumps women, leaving a trail of broken hearts, and thinks every female is a gold digger, because he was used and dumped by the woman he loved and invested time, money and energy into to see her through difficult times. Or the child, now a man who can’t hold down a job, did not graduate college and has no drive beyond to exist, because he believes that he has nothing to offer the world and is unintelligent, because his mother always said that he will never amount to anything, and teachers at school told him that he could not learn. Our relationships matter and the conflicts that naturally happen within them, have the potential to make or break us. Every relationship leaves a mark. Question is, what type?

The presence of conflict/challenges in your relationship does not mean all is lost. How they are resolved matter more than the challenges themselves. Challenges can be high or low quality. You want to have high quality conflicts in your life and avoid low quality ones. Imagine this scenario: a guy picks a fight with his wife because after she returns from her 8hr job, like himself, she does not race into the kitchen, whip up gourmet dinner, serve him, clean up the kitchen and gets the children ready for bed before 7pm. This is low quality conflict. Because it is driven by selfishness and pride. Now consider this conflict; a woman fights her man because he gambled away or bought a new car with the children’s college fund. This is high quality conflict. It is motivated by the good of the spouses. So, what quality of conflict predominantly happens in your marriage?

 

There are many reasons why conflicts happen in any relationship, but we can group most of those causes into two categories. 1. Ego. 2. Perspective.

Ego:  This simply means you are identifying personally with whatever the situation is. And you interpret any contrary statement that does not align with your own opinion as an attack on your person. However, this may not mean that you are an egotistical or an arrogant person, it just means you have personally identified with the situation, that you translate any challenge or contrary view as a negation of your person. For example, consider this exchange between two friends; John and Cindy. John: “Can you imagine what Tom did? That s.o.b took my promotion! Can you imagine?! And this is someone that’s supposed to be my friend!! This is why you should never trust anyone! No matter what you do for them, they will always stab you in the back!” Cindy: “Come on John… he did not take your promotion. The promotion was offered to him. And you must admit, the guy is good at his job. Also, he has seniority, the experience, knowledge and necessary skills. Then he has the contacts to pull necessary strings if our department finds itself in a bind. You know I care about you, but even I would have voted for Tom to get the promotion. Our department really needs his expertise and contacts.” John: “What sort of friend are you????! Fuck!” In this scenario, yes, John is qualified, but the fact that Cindy pointed out Tom’s strengths only made John furious. John may generally be a pleasant person, but in this particular situation, he wants what he wants and anyone not supporting him in the endeavor is an enemy. There are many similar situations in which if we believe our pride is hurt or is at stake, we will lash out. In those situations, we are blinded by the “pain” of our injured pride. It makes it hard to consider anything else anyone is saying.

Think about the following questions for a minute: If there is a better way of doing something, why should your idea be adopted? If someone else is better suited for a responsibility, would giving you the job make sense? It takes humility to acknowledge the strengths of others. The book, Team of Rivals, by Doris Goodwin, does an excellent job of X-raying the virtue of humility, as exhibited in Abraham Lincoln. He saw and acknowledged the political savvy and pedigree of his ‘opponents’, then he coopted them to work with him, and together, they made history. It is a worthy read.

Perspective: We are products of our environments, coupled with our individual internal programing. Consider this tale of two ladies. Both are in a car and they see a man asking for change/food at the traffic light. One of them reaches into her purse, brings out two 1-dollar bills and hands them to the man. The other is upset and berates the one that handed the man the money for being wasteful, stupid and for encouraging laziness. Who do you think is right in this scenario? Before you pass verdict, consider their backgrounds. The one that gave the money comes from a middle-class family. Growing up, their parents taught them to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. As a family, they made it a duty to annually go down to the adoption center and spend time with the children there. They would bring them food and clothing and sometimes will have the children from the center over to their home for some of the holidays. Their parents encouraged them to be generous; asking them to periodically scan their closets for clothing they no longer use or had outgrown and they would go with them, the kids, to donate the articles of clothing to the adoption centers. Lady #2 that did the berating, comes from a rather wealthy family. Her upbringing was one where they were taught that people always want to take what belongs to you, therefore guard your possessions with your life. They were taught to work hard, that laziness leads to poverty. Now that you know their backgrounds and their perspectives on life, how do you now pass verdict?

The analogies above tell us that we all have different sets of assumptions, prejudices, biases and our egos, all of which influence the way we perceive and interpret the world around us. What are your prejudices, biases? How do they influence how you interpret situations? Do you know when your ego is acting up? If you are aware of these things, you are better able to hear and see objectively, otherwise, it will make these two apparently simple tasks, hearing and seeing, extremely challenging. More so in a marriage where you see the person every day and if care is not taking, you both begin to take each other for granted. The blindness and deafness are life altering.

Like we said earlier, conflicts are inevitable in relationships. And the difficulty stems from the fact of the various sets of assumptions and egos that we bring into them. They make it difficult to have necessary conversations. Challenging conversations however, are necessary to all relationships. It enables relationships mature and blossom into the best they can be. Some of us are conscious of our biases and prejudices, and that’s good. At least you know why you do the things you do. Hopefully you are working towards improving yourself. And for the rest of us, we are unaware of our driving perspectives and egos, which like we have stated are huge obstacles to any meaningful relationship. For the fact that you are unaware of your motivating influences; how and why they manifest in your life, and what purpose they serve, if any, when conflicts arise in your relationship, you may be blind to any resolution that isn’t what you imagined and how you envisaged.

What can we do then in our marriages considering that we all have these blinders and wax that seal our eyes and ears? Listen to yourself and to the other person. Whenever you are in a conversation, especially those difficult ones, periodically scan your body to see how you feel. If you feel any tightness in your abdomen, chest and or throat, know that you are not listening in that conversation. You are waiting to respond. And when you catch yourself like that, open up. Relax and reengage. Listen. What happens when you listen? You understand the person. You are not just hearing what they are saying, but you are also understanding what the situation or thing means to them. This in-turn helps you to be empathetic; that is, to walk in their moccasin, which does not mean you agree with them. It only means you understand how they feel about the situation. And because you are listening and can understand and empathize, you are able to come up with constructive responses. That is; your responses are generated directly from the situation. If you learn to listen, the quality of the conflict you’ll have will be high; because you are not in your ego, and neither are you hooked on your own perspectives alone. You can really see and hear your spouse. Part of what it means to be mature is to be able to hold and understand conflicting perspectives, without losing your own, especially within a dialogue-challenging dialogue.

Now if everyone does these things, does it mean there will be no more divorces? No. It does not mean that. It only means that even when a divorce happens, it will be for the good of everyone involved. And more importantly, before one steps into a marital union, they will give it thought more than, she is good in bed and has a banging body, or, he can pay my bills! The institution of marriage is a human expression. It recreates the individuals into a new being. The challenges within them are opportunities for growth. Learn to listen. Give your marriage the opportunity it deserves to be the best it can be.

Michael  

[1] Hannah Ritchie, Max Roser and Esteban Ortiz-Ospina (2015) – “Suicide”. Published online at OurWorldInData.org. Retrieved from: ‘https://ourworldindata.org/suicide’ [Online Resource]

The Art of Decision Making

The Art of Decision Making by Michael Okechukwu The Priest

How to make Good Decisions.

Making a good decision is an art. If you think you don’t make good decisions or that you have not been making the best ones lately, do not be alarmed. It is not a skill we are born with.  It is a learned behavior, though some of us are better at it than others.

How you arrived at a cause of action or in-action determines the quality of said behavior. As such, the quality of our decision is directly dependent on our decision-making process. Therefore, it is crucial how you settled on buying that car, or on whether or not to proceed with that project. The process for making good decisions require a certain mind-set and the ability to recognize the necessary factors to take into consideration. We will address these as well as some of the challenges you may encounter while in this process.

In the art deciding, there is one critical rule of thumb; learn to control your emotions. Following this will significantly raise the odds that your decisions are the best given your particular sets of circumstances. That said, intuition can play a huge role in good decision making. But, there is a caveat. We will touch more upon this later.

Different Decision-Making Processes

Evolution has allowed us to develop different ways we process information. The fastest and most common of these is emotional. But it is also the least reliable. Then there is our intuitive process, which seems similar to our emotional process, but is very different. This process is also fast, and oftentimes imperceptible and may seem counter intuitive. It has a high reliability rate if certain other factors which we will discuss later are in place. And there is concrete or critical thinking. It is the hardest, slowest, but the most reliable way we process. Each of these processes have their strengths and weaknesses. Let us briefly look at each.

The Emotional Process:

We all engage in this method of processing information and decision making. For some of us, it is the only way we know how to. We have all heard the expression, “if it feels good, it is good.” Listen to this story I was told when I lived out in Los Angeles. Her name was Sersi. She was a single mom. One day she had to go run some errands and pick up some grocery. So, she and her three little children jumped into their brown Dodge Ram SUV because she could not leave them at home by themselves. While in traffic, a driver in another vehicle came out of nowhere and cut in-front of them. Sersi was furious! And she, not letting this act of injustice go unanswered, was determined to cut right back in-front of the assailant to even the score. But the driver in the other vehicle, as if wanting to maintaining the upper hand, started to speed up. Sersi was down for a fight. She too stepped on the gas! The high-speed chase began. Down the 405 they went. A few moments later, the police showed up and pulled them both over. The officer notified Sersi that the driver of the other vehicle had called them to report that she was being chased by someone on the freeway and that she had no idea why. In her indignation, Sersi told the officer what happened, how the other driver without asking, cut right in-front of her, and that she, Sersi, was only trying to make things right. She said the officer listened as she narrated her side of the story. After she was done the police officer, said, “Ma’am, what if you crashed your car or the other driver had a gun? Don’t you care that your children are in the car with you?” Even when Sersi was narrating this event, somehow, she still believed that her actions were justified and correct. That the other driver should not have cut her off. Somehow the fact that her little children were in the car with her, and the possibilities that entailed did not seem to register. Now, maybe you have not heard or engaged in something this dramatic, but all of us at some point have given the middle finger or cursed at someone who had cut us off in traffic before we remembered that our child was in the car with us. Sersi’s decision and similar things we do, are all emotional. In other words, our limbic system is at play directing our behavior. 

In this process, we respond to things without thinking them through, or considering their consequences or other available options. We do what feels right in the moment. Our decisions are instant and automatic. However, these decisions are generally not the best, because the process through which we arrived at them is unreliable. The way we feel about a thing fluctuates. And more so, emotions make being objective difficult and obscure the facts. Hence decisions made through this process is at best a coin toss, or worst erratic. On the flip side, if you were famished and were ushered into a room with a table set with prime beef fillet mignon seasoned and cooked to perfection, served with finest merlot was set before you, I believe it will pay you to let your limbic system take absolute control.

Decision Making by Michael Okechukwu The Priest

The Concrete/Critical Thinking Process:

This is the hardest of our three modes of processing information. It is the slowest but also our most reliable. This form of processing takes into consideration available verifiable facts. It rigorously applies the rules of logic, separating accidents from essence, to arrive at conclusions that necessarily or probably follow from the available premises. For instance; in this age-old syllogism: All men are mortal. Socrates is a man. Therefore, Socrates is mortal. The conclusion, Socrates is mortal, follows necessarily from the premises. This is because everything in the class of what is called Men, share the quality of Mortality. And if Socrates is a Man, therefore, he necessarily shares in the quality of Mortality that all in the class of what is referred to as Men participate in. However, if the statement is, “It rained last night, therefore it is wet outside”, the necessity of rain the previous night, make the conclusion, “it is wet outside”, a possibility, and not a necessity. Because it being wet outside, can also be because we have a broken fire hydrant.

Critical thinking considers hard or concrete facts and draws conclusions from them. It is purely cerebral. It is also our slowest form of thinking, simply because sometimes the necessary facts may not be immediately obvious, or some other situation may obscure those facts, for instance, if you ask one lover if their partner committed a crime. Passion may blind or obscure the perception of the lover being questioned. Hence too, the response may be colored by passion. Otherwise, this form of thinking takes only the facts into consideration and approaches the situation methodically and arrives at a conclusion systematically. These conclusions may not always be the best or necessarily correct for the situation, but their results follow from the available facts, hence making those results and the following decisions reliable.

Intuition Process:

This is what we generally refer to as a hunch, and it is can be very reliable, but there is a caveat; you must have the requisite experience or knowledge in the given area. For instance, a woman that have nursed several children sees a baby squirm and almost instantly says, “she is hungry or he needs a diaper change.” She seems to implicitly understand what the baby needs. It is also like when you walk into a negotiation meeting and immediately decide to change the strategy you and your team decided on, because you’ve read the temperature of room and your experience tells you that your prearranged strategy will not work. It is also when a doctor that has been practicing for a considerable number of years is sometimes able to diagnose a patient by merely looking at them. Now, without the requisite experience, it still is possible to have these hunches, but am not sure what to call those. Revelations, premonitions? So, with the requisite experience or knowledge, your intuition may tell you that this business proposal will not work, though you have not gone over the paper work, but have only listened to the guy making the pitch for three minutes, and your decision will be spot on. This form of processing has a high reliability rate because it is based on experience and or knowledge, albeit no apparent deductive and inductive process went into the deliberation which gave rise to the decision.

However, even with the experience and knowledge, it pays to do the due diligence of attending the facts. This will make your intuition clearer. 

How then can we make decisions that are not emotionally driven when we do not have the requisite experience or knowledge?

Decision Making by Michael Okechukwu The Priest

Process Accountability:

Good decisions require clarity of purpose; why you want what you want, and firm resolution to follow through. But sometimes our emotions get in the way. To avoid this, it helps to have written down check marks to weigh your choices against so that your decision is in line with your goal.

The story goes that Google’s version of skunkworks, simply known as ‘X’ is tasked with identifying and piloting new ideas that Google should embark on. The team has someone whose primary responsibility is to quickly assess an idea for viability and make recommendations. The person in that position is called a Rapid Evaluator. The core questions the evaluator asks is, what will make this project unreasonable or non-viable?

The ‘X’ team had one such project. It was called Foghorn. The idea was to turn seawater into fuel. (If you are interested in the details, click here)[1]. In summary; fossil fuel accounts for nearly 97% of transportation-related greenhouse gas. Foghorn aimed to reduce those emissions by pulling carbon and hydrogen from the sea to create a carbon-neutral fuel. However, for this fuel to be a viable alternative to gasoline, it needed to be cost-competitive, that is; cost less than $5 to produce a gallon. The project encountered a major challenge. Cost. It was very expensive to pump the amount of required seawater also, the process for creating hydrogen was not cost efficient. Further investigation revealed that though it would be possible for the team to figure out a cheaper way to manufacture the fuel, it would, however, involve considerable amounts of time and money till that viable alternative is found.

Besides these financial hurdles, the project seemed to be going great. The teams Rapid Evaluator, who’s idea the project was, now had to evaluate and decide to recommend whether the project should continue or not. Counter intuitively, she recommended the project be terminated; her reason being that due to the costs alone, Foghorn will not be a viable project to pursue, at least, not at the moment. Though, yes, they will be able to figure out a cheaper way to generate the required materials, but to spend the amount of time and money required before that will happen will not be fiscally responsible nor justifiable. When asked how she was able to recommend the termination of ‘her own project’ her response was simple. The kill signal indicated very strongly that it was non-viable. In other words, the project met a criterion that equaled its termination. Before commencing the project, she had set certain criteria for evaluating the project’s viability. She had process accountability.

Your process accountability is a list of benchmarks, variables to consider, and how you will evaluate each of them to see if they are met. Part of your process accountability is to have a non-negotiable, your kill signal. That is, what will be your conclusive indication that the thing should not be done. What your non-negotiable is will reveal a lot about you and the problem. For instance, I want to get married and my benchmarks are: she must be 5’9”, no more than 135Ibs, huge ass and ginormous boobs, long flowing horse’s mane for hair. And my non-negotiable is, if sex with her feels like washing my hands with gloves on, then the relationship is not worth pursuing. A critical look at my benchmarks and non-negotiable reveals a set of ephemerals on which a potential lifelong decision is going to be based. If you want to be judgmental, you can also say that I am shallow. But that’s not the point. Now pay attention here. This is not a judgement on this process accountability or on the non-negotiable. Far from it. It is an objective look at the decision variables, that is, what I am taking into consideration while making this particular decision. A further look at this decision’s variables also reveals that, if say I meet a lady that checks off all the boxes, and sex with her is like listening to angels sing while sipping on Henney on the rocks, and smoking a Cuban cigar rolled on a mulatto woman’s thigh, the probability that I will leave her for another woman when that figure begins to sag, the boobs and ass begin to droop, and the sex isn’t as great any more, maybe because we now have 3 little banshees, is significant high. Now whether I am even aware of the transitory nature of the factors leading to my decision and their possible implications is another conversation. How then do we determine what are the right variables to consider? Before we determine those, first we need the requisite mind set.

[1] https://x.company/projects/foghorn/

Making decisions by Michael okechukwu The Priest

Values:

To help you develop the requisite mindset for better decision-making skills, as honestly as possible, write down your answers to the following questions: (a) What type of man/woman do I want to be? (b) What values do I currently possess that are align with the kind of person I want to be? (b) What kind of values do I need to develop to be that person I want to be? (c) What are my guiding principles (that is, what concrete behaviors should I have /develop to live out my values)? (d) Which of my values are non-negotiable, the ones I can’t compromise on and why? Your responses to these four questions will evolve over time. But being constantly aware of your responses will put you in the frame of mind required for you to begin to be aware of the things that matter most to you, which are the variables you need to consider as you make any important decision. Human reality however being what it is, we sometimes encounter obstacles to good decisions, even when we have all the right techniques and tools. To better manage those obstacles, let us consider what they are.

Obstacles to making Good Decisions.

We have all experienced situations where we know that things are not going quite right, or that we have made a mistake, yet we hang-in there saying to ourselves that things will change, or that we can fix it, or we are not quitters. Any of this familiar? I know, I did the same thing for several years before I finally pulled the plug on the priesthood. The term that has been coined for this behavior is Escalation of Commitment.[1]

What is Escalation of Commitment?

This is when you keep investing time, energy and resources into a cause you know is lost. You realize you have made a mistake, but you continue to invest into the decision because you are personally identified with it. Why would anyone do this we may ask? Good question. There are several reasons why. Consensus is that the primary one is our emotion, but before that, the very first I believe is: 1. Hope: we have some hope, unfounded as it may be, that the thing might still work. So, we continue to throw resources at it, hoping the tide will turn, though all of the evidence suggests the contrary. 2. Egos and emotions: we have become personally identified with whatever the thing is. We want to prove something to ourselves, to someone or to the world. We identify a mistake, or the fact that we were wrong with our sense of self. We believe admitting error will mean we are a mistake, that our person is wrong, that it will reflect negatively on our ego and image. 3. Sunk Cost: This is the belief that we have invested so much, therefore we have to get something in return, no matter how little. 4. Anticipated Return: we wonder; what if we cut our losses, or let go, only for us to watch that thing bloom like we expected somewhere else? That voice inside our heads that say, “you can’t quit now”; “you are a quitter”; “what if…?” You believe you are the one to change the situation for the better. 5. Fear: “what if I let this go and nothing better happens?” “What if I admit I made a mistake and I am fired?” What if we admit we were wrong and they laugh at us? What if this is the best I’ll ever have (after all, a bird at hand is worth two, a thousand in the bush)?

These are some of the challenges we will encounter on our way to making decisions. And it is typically not easy to follow through, especially when our emotions become involved. Now that we know these, let us look at some of the variables we need to consider, that will also help us overcome these obstacles.

Making Good Decisions.

Amat victoria curam (victory loves preparation), the saying goes. How can we better prepare ourselves so that we can raise our odds of making better decisions than we did last time? I have created a generic check list that you can modify to suit your particular purpose.

Decision making checklist.

    1. What do I want? (Be very specific)
    2. How do I know that am getting what I bargained for?
    3. What is my non-negotiable? (what will be your sign to pull the plug? If … happens, then…)
    4. What will be your signs to go all in? (If …, then I will….)
    5. Are there people, situations, things, places I need to stay away from to help me make the right decision?
    6. Do I need to change anything in my current state (Types of things am currently involved in)?
    7. Sometimes: it helps to separate the decision from the decision maker. Having an accountable other, someone that can help you make the call if need be. It has to be someone you respect. They will hold you accountable and help you enforce your non-negotiable. (this is only if you think you are too close to the situation or will be too emotional about the decision)

However, you ought to hold yourself accountable and ultimately responsible. Your decisions do not have to lead to success, but you have to do what you diligently and possibly can. If it fails, learn and pivot, failure is your fulcrum.

Failure vs Stepping Stones.

Your project, though it is your idea, is not you. When making decisions therefore, remove your ego from it and do not be personally attached to the outcome of your decisions. The project, the thing or person you are deciding about is simply that, an item. Treat it as such. When you make a mistake, admit it. Then take some time to learn how you contributed to that outcome. That way you turn an apparent misfortune into a fortunate event.

Part of being human is doing things that will fail, either due to ignorance, culpable or otherwise, or due to other human factors; not being able to control the actions of those around you, or yet again, due to other exigent circumstances; simply not being able to plan for and foresee every possible permutation of things that can happen or go wrong. And finally, you cannot guarantee that everything or anything will go as planned. I lost a friend in a plane crash. He came to visit when I was living in Los Angeles. We had a great time. I took him back to his hotel room. He boarded the plane the following day to head back home to his newly wed wife and on-coming baby, only for the plane to crash after only 57 minutes in the air. There was nothing he could have done differently. Failure is a human inevitability. It is normal. Do we give up at the first sign of what seems like a non-negotiable? No. Part of making good decisions are discernment and prudent judgement, because ego, blindness and grit somethings can look the same.

It is easy to mistake blindness or egotism for grit. A simple distinction will be: grit has genuine purpose behind it and it heads in the right direction. Blindness on the other hand may have right purpose, but it heads down the wrong path because it is unguided. Then ego driven decisions have both purpose and right direction, but all for the wrong reasons. Grit is an admirable quality which definitely leads to success. Therefore, as your nose is to the grind and you are pushing forward, it helps to sometimes raise your head, if possible climb the highest peak around you (evaluate-ask people you respect if you have to) look around. See if you are on course. Then continue or recalibrate. If you are on a roll, these check-ins may feel like a waste of time, but they are well worth it.

Sometimes making a good decision will be the hardest and scariest thing you need to do. And that is understandable. If, however, we learn to focus on the big picture, on our responsibility towards others, the greater good, it will help us with follow through. If you believe and know that what you currently possess is not the best of what you can have, it is in your best interest to let the current situation go and search for that which is worth finding. You have to believe that you will find it. She that seeks finds.

[1]Staw, B. (1996). The escalation of commitment: An update and appraisal. In Z. Shapira (Ed.), Organizational Decision Making (Cambridge Series on Judgment and Decision Making, pp. 191-215). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. doi:10.1017/CBO9780511584169.011

Michael.

 

Self-Esteem or Self-Worthiness?

Self-Esteem or Self-Worthiness?

Self-esteem is a very familiar concept. High self-esteem is usually associated with confidence and success, while low self-esteem is seen to be related to lack of success and depression. However, in recent times, psychologists are rethinking this paradigm, contemplating whether the idea of high or low self-esteem is harmful or helpful. Some even think the term does not represent any concrete reality in humans, and as such does not exist. There are valid arguments on all sides, which makes evident the need for further investigation and thinking on the matter. I believe in the realness and value of  self-esteem. However, I also believe the terminology transposes competencies or lack thereof for our value as human beings. As such a terminology that captures the value of what it means to be human without equivocation is needed.

This discussion will utilize a pedagogical approach. First, it will address some of the different ideas of the concept of the Self, for the simple fact that it is the foundation on which the edifice of self-esteem is built. Next, it will attempt a definition of self-esteem and then propose a new paradigm, self-worthiness. Finally, it will discuss some helpful ways through which we can reclaim our sense of self-worthiness. We are adopting this approach because; the way a thing is understood, determines how we interact with it. The phenomena of the self is a composite of seemingly elusive constituents. Like Carl Jung said, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. Now let us begin with the first building block, the Self.

What is the Self?

The self has been viewed as synonymous with person and is identified as having the proper attributes of a human being, that is; something capable of engaging in rational activity.[1] Meaning that the self, a composite of body and soul, is capable of logical and moral abstractions. As such we possess the ability to distinguish between good and bad, as well as the capacity to arrive at logical conclusions from available premises. David Hume articulates the self very differently, as a bundle of experiences[2], implying that the self does not have a concrete reality, but is a conglomeration of events all of which culminate to form this entity called the self. Hume’s position does not seem to distinguish the experiences from the experiencing self. To take it further, we can even talk about the self that is aware of the experiencing self; for to be aware that the self is having an experience, implies that there is a self that is aware of the experiencing-self.

Eastern thoughts do not contest the existence of the self, neither do they try to define it They rather propose an understanding of it while not negating the challenge of the task.  In the Tao Te Ching for instance, Lao Tzu says, “he who knows other men is discerning. He who knows himself is enlightened. He who overcomes others is strong, he who overcomes himself is mighty.” In essence, equating self-awareness with wisdom and self-mastery or self-control with might. Then in the Bhagavad Gita, the Hindu holy book, the knowledge of the self is discussed as the hallmark of existence. It says, “self-knowledge alone eradicates misery.”[3] An ancient corollary of the saying, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Both thoughts presuppose that the concept of the self is not in contention, and then affirm that the task of the individual is first to understand why the self exists, then secondly, to act in accord with that quintessential raison d’etre.   

Some contemporary thoughts define the self as the sum total of all that one possesses.[4] The self, according to this definition, has several constituent parts; the material self (things we rightfully own), social self (recognition/status from/in society), spiritual self (our truest self; our faculties), and pure Ego.[5] This definition sees the self as a possessing entity. That is, to articulate the idea of the self, look no further than what a person owns. Yet again, the question remains, if the spiritual self is our truest self, does it mean that the other components of the self are less of the self?

Looking at these definitions, two ideas emerge: 1. the self has the potential for actions,  rational and moral abstractions, along with the ability to possess things. 2. It has the capacity for self-knowledge and mastery. But applying these to our idea of self-esteem, a disconnect becomes apparent. Our current idea of self-esteem seem to only takes into consideration the individuals subjective sense of competence, without any reference to self-awareness or self-mastery. For if high self-esteem correlates with success, it should also correlate with optimal inter-human interactions. But we know this isn’t the case. 

We therefore see definitions of self-esteem such as: “Self-esteem is … a positive or negative orientation toward one-self, as an overall evaluation of ones’ worth or value…” influenced by complex social and environmental systems that may fluctuate due to time and context.[6] This fluidity implies that the idea of self-esteem oscillates depending on situations, circumstances and one’s internal disposition at a given time. This is a highly problematic and an unreliable position to be in. Because you cannot actually have a stable sense of self, which invariably means a constant questioning of who you are, depending on what is going on around you and how you feel about those things. Lauren Slater in the New York Times article, The Trouble With Self-Esteem, tried to create an objective picture of what the concept means by juxtaposing our contemporary idea with its corollary antithesis such as in the works of Roy Baumeister and Nicholas Emler.[7]  Emler argues that no justifiable evidence exists that low self-esteem predicts lack of success, if anything those with low self-esteem seem to try harder at things, which inevitably leads to success. Baumeister ups the ante a notch by saying that high self-esteem can actually cause harm. He and other psychologists have conducted studies that demonstrate that those with high self-esteem pose a greater threat to people around them than those with low-self esteem. Lauren then goes ahead to suggest self-control as the term we should employ instead of self-esteem, since discipline which drives self-control leads to a balanced person.

Now, I do not think there is anything essentially wrong with the concept of self-esteem. Neither do I see a problem with proposing high self-esteem as a standard to strive for. The problem, I believe is in our understanding of the self and self-esteem, which we explored earlier. For if as a self, I am only that which is capable of possessing; intellect or material goods, then it will make sense that my understanding of self-esteem high or low will flounder because my sense of esteem, high or low will be proportionate to how much I think I possess a certain sought after prize as determined by my environment. For instance Baumeister comments, “people with high self-esteem may indeed have accurate perceptions of their many fine qualities. But they may also just be arrogant.”[8] One can say the same of someone who has low self-esteem, who thinks their qualities are below par while in actuality they are sincerely modest. In the one case, the perception of competence is correct, but self awareness is lacking, while in the other, some degree of self-awareness may be present, but does not seem to permeate the whole person.

The understanding of the self and of self-esteem should be after a manner that is honest, objective and detached. But since this is not the case, we therefore seem to interchange competence with self-esteem. And we perceive self-esteem, not as an objective phenomena, but an absolute subjective, which is not only dangerous but also foolish. Because if I believe that I am absolutely capable of flying a Fighter Jet plane because I have played countless hours of Fighter Jet video games, not only am I delusional, but  am also dangerously simple. 

On the positive side, these definitions of self and self-esteem reveal that both concepts imply autonomous agency and responsibility. But in our everyday interaction we hear expressions such as, “that’s how I am” or “I can’t do such as such” languages that indicate a lack of agency. Seeming to imply that the way we experience ourselves in a certain situation is all that there is to us. That our actions and behaviors are indelibly etched into our DNA and therefore our personalities are determined by unknown forces beyond our control.

Assuming this is the reality, it becomes impossible for anyone to rebuild their sense of self; a person with low self-esteem can never have high self-esteem and a jerk with high self-esteem, well…we got to put up with him/her because that’s what nature has given us. And we cannot demand any standards from them, because they are not responsible for their actions. I therefore believe a new paradigm is necessary. Self-worthiness maybe a better paradigm through which to address our issues of esteem. The value or worth of a human being is in the fact of being human, not in our competencies. Self-worthiness acknowledges that you are worthy because you are human, but it also challenges you to be the best human you can possibly be. It does not admit of degrees, because what makes you worthy is not in anything you do or don’t do. You are worthy because you are human. Self-worthiness demands certain responsibilities of you. It demands; Self-awareness, Self-mastery and Rationality, all of which requires an objective, unbiased look at oneself. It may also require soliciting honest and objective feedback from others.

Reclaiming your Self-Worthiness

How then can we take back the control we had relinquished so as to recover our sense of worthiness? First, acknowledge that we have relinquished control. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program has a set of a dozen principles. The first is, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”[9] The meaning behind this first dictum is the realization and acknowledgement of the problem. If the alcoholic does not acknowledge that s/he is an alcoholic, there is no way they will make effort towards being sober. The same applies to our need to reclaim our sense of self-worthiness, which really is our sense of balance and psychological congruency. We first have to recognize and acknowledge that we have relinquished control for the responsibility for our lives. We have to stop the blame game; blaming everyone else about how shitty our lives have become. But then, how does one even begin to acknowledge something that he does not even know exists? There are a few things that have helped me and many others over time attain and retain a certain sense of clarity and internal guidance. I’ll now share them with you.

Self-Awareness: At the temple of Apollo at Delphi, one of the expressions over the arch way entrances into the temple reads, “Know thyself” and for our Greek scholars, γνῶθι σεαυτόν, (hope that tickled). Self-awareness is more than just knowing what color jeans you’d like to wear out to the club tonight. It is more in understanding yourself; knowing why you do what you do. Understanding why you make the choices you make. Knowing what propels you and why. Understanding why the things that make you happy, sad, excited, or enraged get you there. It is understanding what you are capable of, both good and bad, and how it is you became capable of such things. Self-awareness is in knowing your strengths, weaknesses and their degree. A few things that can help you with being self-aware are: meditation; it helps to keep us grounded within ourselves. Then there’s Journaling; which helps one reflect and encourages accountability for ones thoughts and actions. Establishing meaningful relationships; not every relationship is worth keeping. If a relationship is not helping you become your best self, let it go. Engaging in meaningful conversations; these are conversations about things that will help you improve. It is not office gossip or talking about reality tv shows.

Helpful links: https://www.headspace.com/https://mindfulnessexercises.com/ (I have never used any of these, but people say they work). Any quiet place in your home or in nature (any park or the beach will do, for me at least).

Meaningful Work: St. Thomas Aquinas says that the human person finds fulfillment through study and work. Hence, part of reestablishing one’s sense of self-worthiness is engaging meaningful work. This is not the job you do to pay your bills, though it can be that as well. This type of work is one that allows us to expand and expend ourselves beyond our comfort zones for the good of others. It can be volunteering as often as you can at a place that people can really use your help. It can also be your regular job, insofar as you are doing it not just for the paycheck, but for the good of the people you serve through your job.

Helpful links: https://www.volunteermatch.org/ https://www.humanesociety.org/volunteer

Generosity: It can be with anything you possess; your time, money, material, knowledge, etc, anything. In short, it refers to whenever and however we can spend ourselves for the good of others. That said, it is sometimes difficult to be generous and at other times it will go unnoticed or unappreciated. However, like Theresa of Calcutta would say, “… do it anyway…. It was never between you and them anyway.” When we are generous, it brings a sense of happiness, but more importantly, it makes us more grateful. It reminds us of times we too received generosity from others. It helps create a spirit of gratitude. To begin practicing; you can donate financially to a cause, (even overseas. There are great needs for simple basic things and you can partner with someone, a church, an organizations, overseas or locally and fund children’s schooling, feeding families, etc); you can lend your expertise to people who need it; you can give  away those articles of clothing or anything else from your home that are still in good condition that you no longer make use of. My own rule of thumb is, anything I don’t use after 6 months, I give away.

Helpful links: https://dressforsuccess.org/https://baby2baby.org/

Self-esteem is a good concept but it leaves room for equivocation. Self-worthiness removes that equivocation and addresses the core of what it means to be human.

Recommended Reading

1. https://www.nytimes.com/2002/02/03/magazine/the-trouble-with-self-esteem.html

2. https://teachlikeachampion.com/wp-content/uploads/Baumeister-RE-THINKING-SELF-ESTEEM.pdf

 

[1] http://jraissati.com/PHIL201/Aristotle-DeAnima-BooksII-III-EN.pdf

[2] On Human Nature, David Hume

[3] The Bhagavad-Gita with the Commentary of Sri Sankaracharya.pdf, pg 15

[4] William James-1890 Principles_of_Psychology_vol_I.pdf, pg 291

[5] Ibid

[6] Rose, C. A., Slaten, C. D., & Preast, J. L. (2017). Bully Perpetration and Self-Esteem: Examining the Relation Over Time. Behavioral Disorders, 42(4), 159–169. https://www.jstor.org/stable/26660184

[7] https://www.nytimes.com/2002/02/03/magazine/the-trouble-with-self-esteem.html

[8] https://teachlikeachampion.com/wp-content/uploads/Baumeister-RE-THINKING-SELF-ESTEEM.pdf

[9] https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf