Michael Okechukwu

Relationships, Self Awareness

Is Marriage a Failed Institution?

Posted on December 16, 2021December 16, 2021 by Michael Okechukwu

Is Marriage a Failed Institution?

Darwin taught us that only the fittest organisms survive. And as reward for their ‘efforts’, they get to pass-on their genes. For most organisms, for the most part, this is true. Humans, however, have turned this law on its head. In comparison to the Siberian Tiger or an African Bull Elephant, we are neither fitter nor stronger, yet we are outperforming all of them! And worse still, our action of hunting, is causing the extinction of some of these majestic and ferocious beasts; the Tasmanian Tigers that once roamed the Down Under and the Black Rhinos on the plains of African, are no more. What makes it possible then that the actions of a significantly weaker organism is causing the extinction of its stronger and fitter counterparts? The answer lies in our ability to form intentional coalitions. It is our ability to form and maintain relationships.

There are many forms of relationships, but this article will discuss the idea of marriage. We will attempt to answer the question: whether marriage is a failed institution? High divorce rates and infidelity are causing some to question its validity. To offer a fitting response, we need an understanding of what marriage means. And for that we need to begin from the beginning. This beginning is that every marriage builds on an existing relationship. Every marriage builds on friendship.

To the above, therefore, I answer that: No. Marriage is not a failed institution. The problem is that we have lost an understanding of what the concept connotes, and have come to perceive it as a mere social convenience or religious bigotry. To reorient ourselves, we need to clarify a few things again. First and foremost, marriage is a not an invention; it is not something created by society. It is rather an expression; society recognizing and naming what humans choose to do intuitively.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. And contrary to some opinions, your marriage is not a piece of paper no more than an education is a diploma. Marriage is not what you do before a Judge or before some guy or gurl you got drunk with the night before in Vegas and he/she is now wedding you and the stripper that gave you a lap dance. But hey, who am I to judge? It is a free world, right? Right!

Marriage happens between you and your partner long after the “I do”. And prep work for it begins in you as an individual, long before you walk down that isle and continues in both of you long after you’ve had your first kiss. So, what does marriage mean? It is the self-giving of one for the good of the other. Genesis 2:24 says; “that is why a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and the two become one flesh.” When we get married, something new is supposed to happen. Ideally, an entirely new entity is created. Because, after you marry two objects or elements, something new comes forth. Such is marriage. The intentional creation of a new unique entity, born from love and sustained with love, honor, integrity and commitment. Marriage is a solemn continuous declaration, because you’ll have to make a choice for that person again and again. In order words, when the two people decide, and get married, they are now a new creation, one person, of sorts, emerges after they profess, “I do”- hence “the two become one flesh.” This means that when you say “I do”, you declare your life for that person and more so, because none of you knows what the future holds, you are saying in those two words, “I do”; “hold me to my word. I’ll be there for you through thick and thin. I pledge myself and my resources for your welfare. On my honor, I am committed to you.” This is what your “I do” means. This is what marriage is- a union born of love, sustained by love-infused honor and commitment, declared for the good of the other. Marriage is a natural next step in a relationship between a man and a woman. It is unique to the couple. Everything else that now surrounds it; the courts, churches, pictures and paparazzi’s, are non-essential extras in the expression of a marital union.

If this is what marriage means, are prenuptial agreements necessary? In simple terms, no. To go into such a covenant that is supposed to rest on honor, integrity, commitment and love with a “just in case” clause, which is what prenuptial agreements are, “just in case you do not prove to be as honorable as I thought…, I got myself covered,” just means that supposed love, integrity and honor that are foundational to, and sustains a marriage are nonexistent or shaky at best. Therefore, there really isn’t a marriage. Cohabitation, maybe. I believe the idea of marriage as a mere social construct for the satisfaction of some religious zest, stems from ignorance; a general societal intellectual sloth that we have encouraged with our quick fixes and instant gratification. Marriage is at once a gift and a sacrifice. But it begins in friendship. But every friendship, relationship that’s worth its name, takes work. It will cost you something.

Many of us will make money, acquire degrees, build spectacular edifices, testaments to the creativity and intelligence of our specie. Yet none of these things fill us with content or regret when we are on our death beds. Rather, at that time, we seem to focus on our relationships; “I wish I spent more time with my wife and kids”, “I wish I was nicer to my sister”; “I wish I was a better friend.” If this is the one constant that we worry about when we are close to death, why are we not very effective at building and maintaining good relationships?

A very good friend of mine once told me that friendship is the foretaste of heaven. Careful thinking reveals the veracity of this statement. No one can deny the positive impact of good friendships. A scary statistic reveals that once every 40 seconds someone commits suicide. Leading to nearly a million deaths annually, twice the number of those killed in homicides.^[1] The root cause for the above statistic have not been explicitly addressed, but we can reliably deduce from studies on well-being and happiness, that people that have close friendships or a support system generally report higher life satisfaction and are less prone to self-harm. Good friendships are indeed the bliss of life. However, we all know the saying, good friends are hard to find, and good relationships take work.

This is because in any true relationship, you are seen and loved exactly as you are, which however, does not mean the acceptance of mediocrity. To the contrary, it challenges and encourages you to be the best version of yourself which will not always be pleasant. But you are loved and can be secure in that knowledge. The nature of relationships being between two people means that conflicts are inevitable. These challenges are not necessarily negative. Conflicts or challenges are opportunities, but they are particular types of opportunities, of which the way you handle them have consequences. Uranium, for instance, is a particular type of element. Handled correctly, can generate immense power and very clean energy at that, but handled poorly will level entire cities and render them uninhabitable for years thereafter; Chernobyl and Fukushima are testaments. So too relationships, regardless of its nature and the inevitable conflicts that stem from them, are opportunities that if handled well, yields immense benefits, and if handled carelessly, can scar and mar people for life or at best, for a very long time. Take the case of a woman who is married but literally recoils at the touch of the man she loves and has married. Not because she is repulsed by him, but because the man who was supposed to have been her protector and guide, her father, molested and raped her when she was a child. Or consider the case of the man who serial dates and dumps women, leaving a trail of broken hearts, and thinks every female is a gold digger, because he was used and dumped by the woman he loved and invested time, money and energy into to see her through difficult times. Or the child, now a man who can’t hold down a job, did not graduate college and has no drive beyond to exist, because he believes that he has nothing to offer the world and is unintelligent, because his mother always said that he will never amount to anything, and teachers at school told him that he could not learn. Our relationships matter and the conflicts that naturally happen within them, have the potential to make or break us. Every relationship leaves a mark. Question is, what type?

The presence of conflict/challenges in your relationship does not mean all is lost. How they are resolved matter more than the challenges themselves. Challenges can be high or low quality. You want to have high quality conflicts in your life and avoid low quality ones. Imagine this scenario: a guy picks a fight with his wife because after she returns from her 8hr job, like himself, she does not race into the kitchen, whip up gourmet dinner, serve him, clean up the kitchen and gets the children ready for bed before 7pm. This is low quality conflict. Because it is driven by selfishness and pride. Now consider this conflict; a woman fights her man because he gambled away or bought a new car with the children’s college fund. This is high quality conflict. It is motivated by the good of the spouses. So, what quality of conflict predominantly happens in your marriage?

There are many reasons why conflicts happen in any relationship, but we can group most of those causes into two categories. 1. Ego. 2. Perspective.

Ego: This simply means you are identifying personally with whatever the situation is. And you interpret any contrary statement that does not align with your own opinion as an attack on your person. However, this may not mean that you are an egotistical or an arrogant person, it just means you have personally identified with the situation, that you translate any challenge or contrary view as a negation of your person. For example, consider this exchange between two friends; John and Cindy. John: “Can you imagine what Tom did? That s.o.b took my promotion! Can you imagine?! And this is someone that’s supposed to be my friend!! This is why you should never trust anyone! No matter what you do for them, they will always stab you in the back!” Cindy: “Come on John… he did not take your promotion. The promotion was offered to him. And you must admit, the guy is good at his job. Also, he has seniority, the experience, knowledge and necessary skills. Then he has the contacts to pull necessary strings if our department finds itself in a bind. You know I care about you, but even I would have voted for Tom to get the promotion. Our department really needs his expertise and contacts.” John: “What sort of friend are you????! Fuck!” In this scenario, yes, John is qualified, but the fact that Cindy pointed out Tom’s strengths only made John furious. John may generally be a pleasant person, but in this particular situation, he wants what he wants and anyone not supporting him in the endeavor is an enemy. There are many similar situations in which if we believe our pride is hurt or is at stake, we will lash out. In those situations, we are blinded by the “pain” of our injured pride. It makes it hard to consider anything else anyone is saying.

Think about the following questions for a minute: If there is a better way of doing something, why should your idea be adopted? If someone else is better suited for a responsibility, would giving you the job make sense? It takes humility to acknowledge the strengths of others. The book, Team of Rivals, by Doris Goodwin, does an excellent job of X-raying the virtue of humility, as exhibited in Abraham Lincoln. He saw and acknowledged the political savvy and pedigree of his ‘opponents’, then he coopted them to work with him, and together, they made history. It is a worthy read.

Perspective: We are products of our environments, coupled with our individual internal programing. Consider this tale of two ladies. Both are in a car and they see a man asking for change/food at the traffic light. One of them reaches into her purse, brings out two 1-dollar bills and hands them to the man. The other is upset and berates the one that handed the man the money for being wasteful, stupid and for encouraging laziness. Who do you think is right in this scenario? Before you pass verdict, consider their backgrounds. The one that gave the money comes from a middle-class family. Growing up, their parents taught them to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. As a family, they made it a duty to annually go down to the adoption center and spend time with the children there. They would bring them food and clothing and sometimes will have the children from the center over to their home for some of the holidays. Their parents encouraged them to be generous; asking them to periodically scan their closets for clothing they no longer use or had outgrown and they would go with them, the kids, to donate the articles of clothing to the adoption centers. Lady #2 that did the berating, comes from a rather wealthy family. Her upbringing was one where they were taught that people always want to take what belongs to you, therefore guard your possessions with your life. They were taught to work hard, that laziness leads to poverty. Now that you know their backgrounds and their perspectives on life, how do you now pass verdict?

The analogies above tell us that we all have different sets of assumptions, prejudices, biases and our egos, all of which influence the way we perceive and interpret the world around us. What are your prejudices, biases? How do they influence how you interpret situations? Do you know when your ego is acting up? If you are aware of these things, you are better able to hear and see objectively, otherwise, it will make these two apparently simple tasks, hearing and seeing, extremely challenging. More so in a marriage where you see the person every day and if care is not taking, you both begin to take each other for granted. The blindness and deafness are life altering.

Like we said earlier, conflicts are inevitable in relationships. And the difficulty stems from the fact of the various sets of assumptions and egos that we bring into them. They make it difficult to have necessary conversations. Challenging conversations however, are necessary to all relationships. It enables relationships mature and blossom into the best they can be. Some of us are conscious of our biases and prejudices, and that’s good. At least you know why you do the things you do. Hopefully you are working towards improving yourself. And for the rest of us, we are unaware of our driving perspectives and egos, which like we have stated are huge obstacles to any meaningful relationship. For the fact that you are unaware of your motivating influences; how and why they manifest in your life, and what purpose they serve, if any, when conflicts arise in your relationship, you may be blind to any resolution that isn’t what you imagined and how you envisaged.

What can we do then in our marriages considering that we all have these blinders and wax that seal our eyes and ears? Listen to yourself and to the other person. Whenever you are in a conversation, especially those difficult ones, periodically scan your body to see how you feel. If you feel any tightness in your abdomen, chest and or throat, know that you are not listening in that conversation. You are waiting to respond. And when you catch yourself like that, open up. Relax and reengage. Listen. What happens when you listen? You understand the person. You are not just hearing what they are saying, but you are also understanding what the situation or thing means to them. This in-turn helps you to be empathetic; that is, to walk in their moccasin, which does not mean you agree with them. It only means you understand how they feel about the situation. And because you are listening and can understand and empathize, you are able to come up with constructive responses. That is; your responses are generated directly from the situation. If you learn to listen, the quality of the conflict you’ll have will be high; because you are not in your ego, and neither are you hooked on your own perspectives alone. You can really see and hear your spouse. Part of what it means to be mature is to be able to hold and understand conflicting perspectives, without losing your own, especially within a dialogue-challenging dialogue.

Now if everyone does these things, does it mean there will be no more divorces? No. It does not mean that. It only means that even when a divorce happens, it will be for the good of everyone involved. And more importantly, before one steps into a marital union, they will give it thought more than, she is good in bed and has a banging body, or, he can pay my bills! The institution of marriage is a human expression. It recreates the individuals into a new being. The challenges within them are opportunities for growth. Learn to listen. Give your marriage the opportunity it deserves to be the best it can be.

Michael

^[1] Hannah Ritchie, Max Roser and Esteban Ortiz-Ospina (2015) – “Suicide”. Published online at OurWorldInData.org. Retrieved from: ‘https://ourworldindata.org/suicide’ [Online Resource]

Decision Making

Prudence: The Principle for Right Action

Posted on November 16, 2021November 16, 2021 by Michael Okechukwu

Our actions or inactions matter. They are not isolated and inconsequential events. Actions however bold, entail responsibilities, therefore they require skill and a certain sagacity. In simple terms, prudence is necessary for right action. What then is prudence and how do we acquire it? These are the issues under consideration in this segment. First, a story from ancient Greece.

Voices From the Past

Creon, ruler of Thebes decreed that no one should bury the dead body of Polynikes who fell in battle fighting against his own country. Anyone who contravenes this mandate will be put to death. The dead man’s sister, Antigone, fearing that her dead brother will not find peace in the land of Hades, because the proper funeral rites will not be performed for him, decided to fulfill her fraternal duties to her deceased brother, as it is customary and right by Thebean laws. She goes ahead and buries her brother, contrary to the decree, knowing full well that her punishment, if caught, will be death. The battle of the Seven against Thebes that claimed Polynikes was a battle in which he was fighting for the throne which by right should be his, but which his brother Eteokles , who also died in the war, refused to relinquish. Eteokles, however, was accorded the proper funeral rites because he was fighting on the Thebean side, though, for what was not his to keep. But Polynikes, though fighting for what was his, but with the invading Argive army, was condemned to be carrion and branded a traitor. The king hearing what Antigone had done sentenced her to death, though she was his son betrothed. Then, his son, Haemon, seeing his beloved Antigone dead, hung on the noose of her own making, because she did not want to die buried alive in the tomb she was cast in, fell on his own sword, dispatching himself. When his mother, the queen, Creon’s wife, heard of his death, not being able to bear the grief, she also kills herself.

Now question: was Creon’s action prudent? He sentenced his ‘daughter-in-law to death. The decree however was, “do not bury a traitor. Anyone who does shall be put to death” A just decree, because treason is a crime against the state, and is punishable by death. Was Antigone’s action prudent? She disobeyed the express command of her king, which in itself is treason; although she was burying her brother an action which by the laws of Thebes was also right.

Taking into consideration the backgrounds and intentions behind the actions of Creon and Antigone, you’ll realize that the correct responses to the questions raised above are not as simples as yes or no. And everyday, life presents us with many similar situations where the correct choices or answers are not as cut and dry. Prudence is an aid that will help one navigate similar life complexities successfully.

What is Prudence?

Before we proffer a definition of the term, I think it necessary to say what prudence is not. I have heard it said that to be prudent is to be mediocre and weak, because sometimes to be prudent will mean to stay the middle course. We rather prefer a show of force and power, which are often times acclaimed as right action. I have heard it said that to be prudent is to be indecisive. Hence it makes perfect sense for us to quickly approve a drug, then after a few years with death and genetic deformities in its wake, we file a class action law suit against the pharmaceutical companies. They pay us to hush-up, we do and we repeat the exact same process all over again. I have heard it said that prudence is an archaic concept, best suited to medieval theology and philosophy. Yet as highly adaptive creatures our propensity towards violence, cruelty and for stupidity is mind blowing. Bested only by deadly viruses, we have caused more death and mayhem to ourselves and the planet more than natural disasters and animals.^[1],^[2],^[3] Better yet, look at how much nuclear arsenal is housed by the United States and Russia alone, and how much a country like ours budgets for military defense^[4] compared to what is budgeted for Healthcare and Education combined. Without prudence, we will self-destruct. This said, what then is Prudence?

Definition

A concise definition will be “the ability to govern and discipline oneself by the use of reason.” Its latin prudentia means; precaution, foreknowledge, intelligence; discretion, foresight; practical judgement/wisdom to see what is suitable or profitable;^[5] a state of grasping the truth, involving reason, concerned with action about things that are good or bad for a human being.”^[6] It is the ability to rein oneself and execute actions based on truth and good thinking.

Prudence is a disposition. It is a frame of mind through which we look at a situation so as to respond in the best possible way. For instance; if you offer a pen for sale for $1.00, and I accept or take the pen, a just action would be to offer you $1.00 in return for it. In like manner, if I saw a bag of money in the gym locker room, to act temperately would be to restrain myself from taking that money, since I know I did not leave it there. The same applies to the other virtues. Prudence on the other hand does not have a specific action that depicts it, but it is an overarching quality of our actions or decisions. It regulates and distinguishes actions. Prudence distinguishes bravery from recklessness, forbearance, meekness or temperance from cowardice. It is the “reason for”, the “how to” and the “when to” of an action or decision. It distinguishing a man from among men.

Solomon, king of Israel, is remembered for his wisdom, not his vast wealth. Scripture has it, that he adjudicated a case that bears recollecting. This was a case involving two prostitutes and a dead child. The story goes thus:

Then the two women came, stood before the king. The one woman said, “Oh, my lord, this woman and I dwell in the same house; and I gave birth to a child while she was in the house. Then on the third day after I was delivered, this woman also gave birth; and we were alone; there was no one else with us in the house, only we two were in the house. And this woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on it. And she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while your maidservant slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead son in my bosom. When I rose in the morning to nurse my child, behold, it was dead; but when I looked at it closely in the morning, behold, it was not the child that I had borne.” But the other woman said, “No, the living child is mine, and the dead child is yours.” The first said, “No, the dead child is yours, and the living child is mine.” Thus they spoke before the king. Then the king said, “The one says, `This is my son that is alive, and your son is dead’; and the other says, `No; but your son is dead, and my son is the living one.’ “And the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So a sword was brought before the king. And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.” Then the woman whose son was alive said to the king, because her heart yearned for her son, “Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means slay it.” But the other said, “It shall be neither mine nor yours; divide it.” Then the king answered and said, “Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means slay it; she is its mother.” And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had rendered; and they stood in awe of the king, because they perceived that the wisdom of God was in him, to render justice.

His ruling in this particular case is often cited as particularly wise or prudent. He exhibited prudence not in the fact of being able to return the baby to its rightful mother, it is rather in how he arrived at that verdict. He deployed psychology, and understanding of human nature. He utilized diplomacy, the act of knowing the right things to say to elicit particular responses. He applied tact, knowing when to do and say what and how. What does this mean for you the reader? Let us apply it.

Application

To follow the path less travelled, is the recipe for happiness. The injunction however does not mean the arbitrary indulgence of our every whim and caprice. That will be a foolish and an unsustainable way to live one’s life. Doing what you want means doing that which fills you with a stable sense of peace. It is that thing you’d gladly do anytime, anywhere, though you are expending yourself, it does not feel like work. It is that thing which reflects the core of who you are. It is not wishful thinking, or the stirring of our emotions and desires. This is not the yearning you have when you want ice cream, beefsteak or sex. It is not the yearning you have when you just want to smash someone’s head in with a baseball bat because you think they looked at you sideways. It is not the yearning you have to chew someone’s head off because they said good morning to you when you are in your period. None of these. The yearning I’m talking about is that sort you feel when you are about to step into something or make a decision and everything in you is screaming for you not to. But you went ahead and did it anyway because you did not want to offend someone or you wanted to be polite, or you do not want to be the odd one out. Or knowing that you have made a mistake. Then instead of trying to resolve it, you rather say, “oh well, I am too far in now. I might as well just keep at it” all the while detesting the situation with all your soul. Remember sunk cost? That yearning that wants something contrary in those situations is the sort of yearning am talking about. It is that feeling you have when you are in are in a relationship, and you know he does not do it for you, but you would rather just go along with it because you have been in the relationship over a year and your families know each other. You do not want to rock the boat and you allow it to continue till you walk down the aisle. Then you are like, “F%$*! What have I done?!” That’s what it means to do or not do what you want.

Myriads of these types of behaviors exist and for many of us, that is how we live. It keeps us in a constant state of stress and tension. Some of us have become numb to living this way and that we can no longer distinguish what we want from what we are expected to want. This dichotomy leaves us feeling empty. And we address the emptiness with excesses; overeating, alcohol/substance abuse, tv binging, porn, serial dating and meaningless sex. We are constantly after some form of thrill in the bid to dull the pain we experience in the abject dissatisfaction of our lives as we currently experience it. We avoid moments of aloneness because all the pain comes to the surface, and our blood pressure rises as well as many other physiological symptoms.

But with prudence as guide in our lives, we can reclaim the life we want and envisaged for ourselves. We can right the wrongs we have done and forge ahead into new beginnings. How can we make this happen?

Becoming Prudent

We are born with the propensity to be prudent. Acting prudently, however, has to be learned. Cultivating it helps us become our best selves. It is important to be patient with yourself as your develop your sense of prudence. The person you are today, is a result of many years of habits that have crystalized into who you are now. You will not be able to change that overnight. Applying these principles and seeing the result in your life will require patience and constant gradual effort. To become prudent, first, learn to remember.

Retrospection/Reflection: Learn from the past is almost cliche, but it is true. To be prudent, develop the habit of trying to understand the things that happen in your life and around you, and always seek out good counsel. Contrary to popular thinking, babies are not born with the innate fear of snakes. Their fears are learned, which is also why phobias can be cured. To be prudent, learn from the past, either via recollecting and reflecting on your own experiences, seeking counsel/advice of those who have said experiences, older people or from studying. This gives you the combined perspective of not only the author, but also of those s/he had to consult in writing the book/article. Learn to journal. It helps you clarify your thoughts and intentions, and more so, it helps you to sit in judgment over yourself.

Be Rational: Learn to take concrete facts into account regardless of how you feel. And if you must make a judgement based on how you feel, be aware that you are making that judgment based on your emotional state or preference. This is easier said than done. A very powerful and yet illustrative example is the event that happened between my friend and her 2year old daughter. “Nancy, go grab your backpack so I can drop you off at school.” Nancy grabs the bag, then says, “Mommy, you said you will dump me in the trash? Bhahabha!!!” A huge cry and tantrum ensues. Funny, but sometimes we adults do the same thing. For instance you ask your girlfriend or wife, “honey what’s wrong? You don’t look very happy.” She says, “nothing.” Then you say, “Ok. Dang did you see that touch down?” And she responds, “You just don’t care about me or this relationship. All you care about is yourself!” And you are thinking, “Okkk…what I do?” Prudence is rational, in that it sees things for what they really are, not as they appear to be. In both examples, Nancy and the partner are looking for something but have not communicated it. However, they have also made judgements based on their non-communicated desires, leading the one to say that they are going to be thrown in the trash, and the other to proclaim that the other does not care. Learn to take the facts into consideration as you make judgments, but like as I said, its easier said than done.

Foresight: Develop the habit of seeing into the future. That is, be able to extrapolate what could possibly or probably happen in the future, from what is happening currently. Prudence is far seeing. Every action or inaction, has an equal and opposite reaction or inaction. For instance, if you stick a finger into a still pond, it will create a ripple. The ripple will cause a wave, which may turn over objects on the surface of that pond, which will only cause more ripples or waves, which will increase the amount of force or pressure that will be exerted on the wall of the pond or shores, which could lead to the collapse of the walls of the pond or a tsunami. Prudence therefore is able to see as far as possible into the future and is able to hedge against worst possible downsides, while maximizing the upsides.

Docile/Humble: Be aware of what you do not know and do not be ashamed to ask questions. Prudence is aware of what it knows and what it does not. It does not hesitate to seek the help it needs to compensate for or remedy its short falls. And what it knows it freely gives.

Measured/Shrewd: Be measured in action. Take your time to intuit into motives before you act. Now when you make your calculation, do you have to be a 100% certain before you can make a decision? I don’t think so. Not only because it is not humanly possible to be that sure about anything, but also because you will cause yourself to stall, a state of inaction. There will always be facts, circumstances to consider and the situation will almost always be in flux. So with a 70% clarity, you should make a decision. That is measured enough. How do you arrive at that 70%? Ascertain the following: a) what is most important to you in said situation?; b) what is most important to the other party?; c) What are your intentions?; d) What are their intentions?; e) Is there anyway the things most important to all parties can align? Knowing these will help you decipher exactly how much impact your ripple will cause, how far it will go, how much wave it will raise, and the exact amount of pressure to apply to get the desired results, or how much defense to put up, where and how avoid the oncoming wave.

Goal Oriented: A prudent action has a particular goal it is aiming for. It is not arbitrary nor passive in its pursuits. Prudence knows what it wants to achieve and it marshals resources at its disposal toward that end. Outcomes from its actions are not unintended, and even when the unexpected happens, it is usually within the confines of possibilities given the circumstance of the situation-at least humanly speaking. This does not and cannot factor in those events or situations properly defined as force majeure or acts of God.

Most critically, a prudent action is Just: Justice is a hallmark of a prudent action. This means that a prudent action does not deprive others of what rightfully belongs to them for instance; I decided to get married and when I made that decision, the only thing I took into consideration was my wife’s physical features. All well and good. Then 4 years later, we have 3 children and she is not one to go to the gym, or subscribe to weight watchers. Lo and behold, that 145 lbs chic is now 350 lbs, rarely ever gets her hair or nails done any more, and maybe takes a shower three times a week, on a good week! And I come to this Eureka moment, “ Aha! I want to follow my own path and live my life!” Great! But yo!, You got 3 children that did not ask to be brought into this world, you owe them. How are you going to make good on that? Therefore a prudent act is just, it pays its dues and finishes what it starts.

In sum, live life, be bold, be very bold. But let prudence guide that boldness, lest you mistake recklessness and irresponsibility for boldness, or mistake timidity and fear for caution. A prudent act is a human act.

^[1]https://ourworldindata.org/natural-disasters

^[2]https://ourworldindata.org/homicides

^[3]https://www.statista.com/statistics/448169/deadliest-creatures-in-the-world-by-number-of-human-deaths/

^[4] https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/BUDGET-2021-BUD/pdf/BUDGET-2021-BUD-9.pdf

$705 billion to the DOD vs $66.6 billion to the Department of Education and 94.5 billion to the Department of Health and Human Services.

^[5] https://www.etymonline.com/word/Prudence

^[6] Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics Bk 6, Section 5

^[1]https://ourworldindata.org/natural-disasters

^[2]https://ourworldindata.org/homicides

^[3]https://www.statista.com/statistics/448169/deadliest-creatures-in-the-world-by-number-of-human-deaths/

^[4] https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/BUDGET-2021-BUD/pdf/BUDGET-2021-BUD-9.pdf

$705 billion to the DOD vs $66.6 billion to the Department of Education and 94.5 billion to the Department of Health and Human Services.

^[5] https://www.etymonline.com/word/Prudence

^[6] Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics Bk 6, Section 5

Decision Making

The Art of Decision Making

Posted on October 28, 2021October 28, 2021 by Michael Okechukwu

How to make Good Decisions.

Making a good decision is an art. If you think you don’t make good decisions or that you have not been making the best ones lately, do not be alarmed. It is not a skill we are born with. It is a learned behavior, though some of us are better at it than others.

How you arrived at a cause of action or in-action determines the quality of said behavior. As such, the quality of our decision is directly dependent on our decision-making process. Therefore, it is crucial how you settled on buying that car, or on whether or not to proceed with that project. The process for making good decisions require a certain mind-set and the ability to recognize the necessary factors to take into consideration. We will address these as well as some of the challenges you may encounter while in this process.

In the art deciding, there is one critical rule of thumb; learn to control your emotions. Following this will significantly raise the odds that your decisions are the best given your particular sets of circumstances. That said, intuition can play a huge role in good decision making. But, there is a caveat. We will touch more upon this later.

Different Decision-Making Processes

Evolution has allowed us to develop different ways we process information. The fastest and most common of these is emotional. But it is also the least reliable. Then there is our intuitive process, which seems similar to our emotional process, but is very different. This process is also fast, and oftentimes imperceptible and may seem counter intuitive. It has a high reliability rate if certain other factors which we will discuss later are in place. And there is concrete or critical thinking. It is the hardest, slowest, but the most reliable way we process. Each of these processes have their strengths and weaknesses. Let us briefly look at each.

The Emotional Process:

We all engage in this method of processing information and decision making. For some of us, it is the only way we know how to. We have all heard the expression, “if it feels good, it is good.” Listen to this story I was told when I lived out in Los Angeles. Her name was Sersi. She was a single mom. One day she had to go run some errands and pick up some grocery. So, she and her three little children jumped into their brown Dodge Ram SUV because she could not leave them at home by themselves. While in traffic, a driver in another vehicle came out of nowhere and cut in-front of them. Sersi was furious! And she, not letting this act of injustice go unanswered, was determined to cut right back in-front of the assailant to even the score. But the driver in the other vehicle, as if wanting to maintaining the upper hand, started to speed up. Sersi was down for a fight. She too stepped on the gas! The high-speed chase began. Down the 405 they went. A few moments later, the police showed up and pulled them both over. The officer notified Sersi that the driver of the other vehicle had called them to report that she was being chased by someone on the freeway and that she had no idea why. In her indignation, Sersi told the officer what happened, how the other driver without asking, cut right in-front of her, and that she, Sersi, was only trying to make things right. She said the officer listened as she narrated her side of the story. After she was done the police officer, said, “Ma’am, what if you crashed your car or the other driver had a gun? Don’t you care that your children are in the car with you?” Even when Sersi was narrating this event, somehow, she still believed that her actions were justified and correct. That the other driver should not have cut her off. Somehow the fact that her little children were in the car with her, and the possibilities that entailed did not seem to register. Now, maybe you have not heard or engaged in something this dramatic, but all of us at some point have given the middle finger or cursed at someone who had cut us off in traffic before we remembered that our child was in the car with us. Sersi’s decision and similar things we do, are all emotional. In other words, our limbic system is at play directing our behavior.

In this process, we respond to things without thinking them through, or considering their consequences or other available options. We do what feels right in the moment. Our decisions are instant and automatic. However, these decisions are generally not the best, because the process through which we arrived at them is unreliable. The way we feel about a thing fluctuates. And more so, emotions make being objective difficult and obscure the facts. Hence decisions made through this process is at best a coin toss, or worst erratic. On the flip side, if you were famished and were ushered into a room with a table set with prime beef fillet mignon seasoned and cooked to perfection, served with finest merlot was set before you, I believe it will pay you to let your limbic system take absolute control.

The Concrete/Critical Thinking Process:

This is the hardest of our three modes of processing information. It is the slowest but also our most reliable. This form of processing takes into consideration available verifiable facts. It rigorously applies the rules of logic, separating accidents from essence, to arrive at conclusions that necessarily or probably follow from the available premises. For instance; in this age-old syllogism: All men are mortal. Socrates is a man. Therefore, Socrates is mortal. The conclusion, Socrates is mortal, follows necessarily from the premises. This is because everything in the class of what is called Men, share the quality of Mortality. And if Socrates is a Man, therefore, he necessarily shares in the quality of Mortality that all in the class of what is referred to as Men participate in. However, if the statement is, “It rained last night, therefore it is wet outside”, the necessity of rain the previous night, make the conclusion, “it is wet outside”, a possibility, and not a necessity. Because it being wet outside, can also be because we have a broken fire hydrant.

Critical thinking considers hard or concrete facts and draws conclusions from them. It is purely cerebral. It is also our slowest form of thinking, simply because sometimes the necessary facts may not be immediately obvious, or some other situation may obscure those facts, for instance, if you ask one lover if their partner committed a crime. Passion may blind or obscure the perception of the lover being questioned. Hence too, the response may be colored by passion. Otherwise, this form of thinking takes only the facts into consideration and approaches the situation methodically and arrives at a conclusion systematically. These conclusions may not always be the best or necessarily correct for the situation, but their results follow from the available facts, hence making those results and the following decisions reliable.

Intuition Process:

This is what we generally refer to as a hunch, and it is can be very reliable, but there is a caveat; you must have the requisite experience or knowledge in the given area. For instance, a woman that have nursed several children sees a baby squirm and almost instantly says, “she is hungry or he needs a diaper change.” She seems to implicitly understand what the baby needs. It is also like when you walk into a negotiation meeting and immediately decide to change the strategy you and your team decided on, because you’ve read the temperature of room and your experience tells you that your prearranged strategy will not work. It is also when a doctor that has been practicing for a considerable number of years is sometimes able to diagnose a patient by merely looking at them. Now, without the requisite experience, it still is possible to have these hunches, but am not sure what to call those. Revelations, premonitions? So, with the requisite experience or knowledge, your intuition may tell you that this business proposal will not work, though you have not gone over the paper work, but have only listened to the guy making the pitch for three minutes, and your decision will be spot on. This form of processing has a high reliability rate because it is based on experience and or knowledge, albeit no apparent deductive and inductive process went into the deliberation which gave rise to the decision.

However, even with the experience and knowledge, it pays to do the due diligence of attending the facts. This will make your intuition clearer.

How then can we make decisions that are not emotionally driven when we do not have the requisite experience or knowledge?

Process Accountability:

Good decisions require clarity of purpose; why you want what you want, and firm resolution to follow through. But sometimes our emotions get in the way. To avoid this, it helps to have written down check marks to weigh your choices against so that your decision is in line with your goal.

The story goes that Google’s version of skunkworks, simply known as ‘X’ is tasked with identifying and piloting new ideas that Google should embark on. The team has someone whose primary responsibility is to quickly assess an idea for viability and make recommendations. The person in that position is called a Rapid Evaluator. The core questions the evaluator asks is, what will make this project unreasonable or non-viable?

The ‘X’ team had one such project. It was called Foghorn. The idea was to turn seawater into fuel. (If you are interested in the details, click here)^[1]. In summary; fossil fuel accounts for nearly 97% of transportation-related greenhouse gas. Foghorn aimed to reduce those emissions by pulling carbon and hydrogen from the sea to create a carbon-neutral fuel. However, for this fuel to be a viable alternative to gasoline, it needed to be cost-competitive, that is; cost less than $5 to produce a gallon. The project encountered a major challenge. Cost. It was very expensive to pump the amount of required seawater also, the process for creating hydrogen was not cost efficient. Further investigation revealed that though it would be possible for the team to figure out a cheaper way to manufacture the fuel, it would, however, involve considerable amounts of time and money till that viable alternative is found.

Besides these financial hurdles, the project seemed to be going great. The teams Rapid Evaluator, who’s idea the project was, now had to evaluate and decide to recommend whether the project should continue or not. Counter intuitively, she recommended the project be terminated; her reason being that due to the costs alone, Foghorn will not be a viable project to pursue, at least, not at the moment. Though, yes, they will be able to figure out a cheaper way to generate the required materials, but to spend the amount of time and money required before that will happen will not be fiscally responsible nor justifiable. When asked how she was able to recommend the termination of ‘her own project’ her response was simple. The kill signal indicated very strongly that it was non-viable. In other words, the project met a criterion that equaled its termination. Before commencing the project, she had set certain criteria for evaluating the project’s viability. She had process accountability.

Your process accountability is a list of benchmarks, variables to consider, and how you will evaluate each of them to see if they are met. Part of your process accountability is to have a non-negotiable, your kill signal. That is, what will be your conclusive indication that the thing should not be done. What your non-negotiable is will reveal a lot about you and the problem. For instance, I want to get married and my benchmarks are: she must be 5’9”, no more than 135Ibs, huge ass and ginormous boobs, long flowing horse’s mane for hair. And my non-negotiable is, if sex with her feels like washing my hands with gloves on, then the relationship is not worth pursuing. A critical look at my benchmarks and non-negotiable reveals a set of ephemerals on which a potential lifelong decision is going to be based. If you want to be judgmental, you can also say that I am shallow. But that’s not the point. Now pay attention here. This is not a judgement on this process accountability or on the non-negotiable. Far from it. It is an objective look at the decision variables, that is, what I am taking into consideration while making this particular decision. A further look at this decision’s variables also reveals that, if say I meet a lady that checks off all the boxes, and sex with her is like listening to angels sing while sipping on Henney on the rocks, and smoking a Cuban cigar rolled on a mulatto woman’s thigh, the probability that I will leave her for another woman when that figure begins to sag, the boobs and ass begin to droop, and the sex isn’t as great any more, maybe because we now have 3 little banshees, is significant high. Now whether I am even aware of the transitory nature of the factors leading to my decision and their possible implications is another conversation. How then do we determine what are the right variables to consider? Before we determine those, first we need the requisite mind set.

^[1] https://x.company/projects/foghorn/

Values:

To help you develop the requisite mindset for better decision-making skills, as honestly as possible, write down your answers to the following questions: (a) What type of man/woman do I want to be? (b) What values do I currently possess that are align with the kind of person I want to be? (b) What kind of values do I need to develop to be that person I want to be? (c) What are my guiding principles (that is, what concrete behaviors should I have /develop to live out my values)? (d) Which of my values are non-negotiable, the ones I can’t compromise on and why? Your responses to these four questions will evolve over time. But being constantly aware of your responses will put you in the frame of mind required for you to begin to be aware of the things that matter most to you, which are the variables you need to consider as you make any important decision. Human reality however being what it is, we sometimes encounter obstacles to good decisions, even when we have all the right techniques and tools. To better manage those obstacles, let us consider what they are.

Obstacles to making Good Decisions.

We have all experienced situations where we know that things are not going quite right, or that we have made a mistake, yet we hang-in there saying to ourselves that things will change, or that we can fix it, or we are not quitters. Any of this familiar? I know, I did the same thing for several years before I finally pulled the plug on the priesthood. The term that has been coined for this behavior is Escalation of Commitment.^[1]

What is Escalation of Commitment?

This is when you keep investing time, energy and resources into a cause you know is lost. You realize you have made a mistake, but you continue to invest into the decision because you are personally identified with it. Why would anyone do this we may ask? Good question. There are several reasons why. Consensus is that the primary one is our emotion, but before that, the very first I believe is: 1. Hope: we have some hope, unfounded as it may be, that the thing might still work. So, we continue to throw resources at it, hoping the tide will turn, though all of the evidence suggests the contrary. 2. Egos and emotions: we have become personally identified with whatever the thing is. We want to prove something to ourselves, to someone or to the world. We identify a mistake, or the fact that we were wrong with our sense of self. We believe admitting error will mean we are a mistake, that our person is wrong, that it will reflect negatively on our ego and image. 3. Sunk Cost: This is the belief that we have invested so much, therefore we have to get something in return, no matter how little. 4. Anticipated Return: we wonder; what if we cut our losses, or let go, only for us to watch that thing bloom like we expected somewhere else? That voice inside our heads that say, “you can’t quit now”; “you are a quitter”; “what if…?” You believe you are the one to change the situation for the better. 5. Fear: “what if I let this go and nothing better happens?” “What if I admit I made a mistake and I am fired?” What if we admit we were wrong and they laugh at us? What if this is the best I’ll ever have (after all, a bird at hand is worth two, a thousand in the bush)?

These are some of the challenges we will encounter on our way to making decisions. And it is typically not easy to follow through, especially when our emotions become involved. Now that we know these, let us look at some of the variables we need to consider, that will also help us overcome these obstacles.

Making Good Decisions.

Amat victoria curam (victory loves preparation), the saying goes. How can we better prepare ourselves so that we can raise our odds of making better decisions than we did last time? I have created a generic check list that you can modify to suit your particular purpose.

Decision making checklist.

1. What do I want? (Be very specific)
2. How do I know that am getting what I bargained for?
3. What is my non-negotiable? (what will be your sign to pull the plug? If … happens, then…)
4. What will be your signs to go all in? (If …, then I will….)
5. Are there people, situations, things, places I need to stay away from to help me make the right decision?
6. Do I need to change anything in my current state (Types of things am currently involved in)?
7. Sometimes: it helps to separate the decision from the decision maker. Having an accountable other, someone that can help you make the call if need be. It has to be someone you respect. They will hold you accountable and help you enforce your non-negotiable. (this is only if you think you are too close to the situation or will be too emotional about the decision)

However, you ought to hold yourself accountable and ultimately responsible. Your decisions do not have to lead to success, but you have to do what you diligently and possibly can. If it fails, learn and pivot, failure is your fulcrum.

Failure vs Stepping Stones.

Your project, though it is your idea, is not you. When making decisions therefore, remove your ego from it and do not be personally attached to the outcome of your decisions. The project, the thing or person you are deciding about is simply that, an item. Treat it as such. When you make a mistake, admit it. Then take some time to learn how you contributed to that outcome. That way you turn an apparent misfortune into a fortunate event.

Part of being human is doing things that will fail, either due to ignorance, culpable or otherwise, or due to other human factors; not being able to control the actions of those around you, or yet again, due to other exigent circumstances; simply not being able to plan for and foresee every possible permutation of things that can happen or go wrong. And finally, you cannot guarantee that everything or anything will go as planned. I lost a friend in a plane crash. He came to visit when I was living in Los Angeles. We had a great time. I took him back to his hotel room. He boarded the plane the following day to head back home to his newly wed wife and on-coming baby, only for the plane to crash after only 57 minutes in the air. There was nothing he could have done differently. Failure is a human inevitability. It is normal. Do we give up at the first sign of what seems like a non-negotiable? No. Part of making good decisions are discernment and prudent judgement, because ego, blindness and grit somethings can look the same.

It is easy to mistake blindness or egotism for grit. A simple distinction will be: grit has genuine purpose behind it and it heads in the right direction. Blindness on the other hand may have right purpose, but it heads down the wrong path because it is unguided. Then ego driven decisions have both purpose and right direction, but all for the wrong reasons. Grit is an admirable quality which definitely leads to success. Therefore, as your nose is to the grind and you are pushing forward, it helps to sometimes raise your head, if possible climb the highest peak around you (evaluate-ask people you respect if you have to) look around. See if you are on course. Then continue or recalibrate. If you are on a roll, these check-ins may feel like a waste of time, but they are well worth it.

Sometimes making a good decision will be the hardest and scariest thing you need to do. And that is understandable. If, however, we learn to focus on the big picture, on our responsibility towards others, the greater good, it will help us with follow through. If you believe and know that what you currently possess is not the best of what you can have, it is in your best interest to let the current situation go and search for that which is worth finding. You have to believe that you will find it. She that seeks finds.

^[1]Staw, B. (1996). The escalation of commitment: An update and appraisal. In Z. Shapira (Ed.), Organizational Decision Making (Cambridge Series on Judgment and Decision Making, pp. 191-215). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. doi:10.1017/CBO9780511584169.011

Michael.

Self Awareness

Self-Esteem or Self-Worthiness?

Posted on October 14, 2021October 14, 2021 by Michael Okechukwu

Self-Esteem or Self-Worthiness?

Self-esteem is a very familiar concept. High self-esteem is usually associated with confidence and success, while low self-esteem is seen to be related to lack of success and depression. However, in recent times, psychologists are rethinking this paradigm, contemplating whether the idea of high or low self-esteem is harmful or helpful. Some even think the term does not represent any concrete reality in humans, and as such does not exist. There are valid arguments on all sides, which makes evident the need for further investigation and thinking on the matter. I believe in the realness and value of self-esteem. However, I also believe the terminology transposes competencies or lack thereof for our value as human beings. As such a terminology that captures the value of what it means to be human without equivocation is needed.

This discussion will utilize a pedagogical approach. First, it will address some of the different ideas of the concept of the Self, for the simple fact that it is the foundation on which the edifice of self-esteem is built. Next, it will attempt a definition of self-esteem and then propose a new paradigm, self-worthiness. Finally, it will discuss some helpful ways through which we can reclaim our sense of self-worthiness. We are adopting this approach because; the way a thing is understood, determines how we interact with it. The phenomena of the self is a composite of seemingly elusive constituents. Like Carl Jung said, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. Now let us begin with the first building block, the Self.

What is the Self?

The self has been viewed as synonymous with person and is identified as having the proper attributes of a human being, that is; something capable of engaging in rational activity.^[1] Meaning that the self, a composite of body and soul, is capable of logical and moral abstractions. As such we possess the ability to distinguish between good and bad, as well as the capacity to arrive at logical conclusions from available premises. David Hume articulates the self very differently, as a bundle of experiences^[2], implying that the self does not have a concrete reality, but is a conglomeration of events all of which culminate to form this entity called the self. Hume’s position does not seem to distinguish the experiences from the experiencing self. To take it further, we can even talk about the self that is aware of the experiencing self; for to be aware that the self is having an experience, implies that there is a self that is aware of the experiencing-self.

Eastern thoughts do not contest the existence of the self, neither do they try to define it They rather propose an understanding of it while not negating the challenge of the task. In the Tao Te Ching for instance, Lao Tzu says, “he who knows other men is discerning. He who knows himself is enlightened. He who overcomes others is strong, he who overcomes himself is mighty.” In essence, equating self-awareness with wisdom and self-mastery or self-control with might. Then in the Bhagavad Gita, the Hindu holy book, the knowledge of the self is discussed as the hallmark of existence. It says, “self-knowledge alone eradicates misery.”^[3] An ancient corollary of the saying, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Both thoughts presuppose that the concept of the self is not in contention, and then affirm that the task of the individual is first to understand why the self exists, then secondly, to act in accord with that quintessential raison d’etre.

Some contemporary thoughts define the self as the sum total of all that one possesses.^[4] The self, according to this definition, has several constituent parts; the material self (things we rightfully own), social self (recognition/status from/in society), spiritual self (our truest self; our faculties), and pure Ego.^[5] This definition sees the self as a possessing entity. That is, to articulate the idea of the self, look no further than what a person owns. Yet again, the question remains, if the spiritual self is our truest self, does it mean that the other components of the self are less of the self?

Looking at these definitions, two ideas emerge: 1. the self has the potential for actions, rational and moral abstractions, along with the ability to possess things. 2. It has the capacity for self-knowledge and mastery. But applying these to our idea of self-esteem, a disconnect becomes apparent. Our current idea of self-esteem seem to only takes into consideration the individuals subjective sense of competence, without any reference to self-awareness or self-mastery. For if high self-esteem correlates with success, it should also correlate with optimal inter-human interactions. But we know this isn’t the case.

We therefore see definitions of self-esteem such as: “Self-esteem is … a positive or negative orientation toward one-self, as an overall evaluation of ones’ worth or value…” influenced by complex social and environmental systems that may fluctuate due to time and context.^[6] This fluidity implies that the idea of self-esteem oscillates depending on situations, circumstances and one’s internal disposition at a given time. This is a highly problematic and an unreliable position to be in. Because you cannot actually have a stable sense of self, which invariably means a constant questioning of who you are, depending on what is going on around you and how you feel about those things. Lauren Slater in the New York Times article, The Trouble With Self-Esteem, tried to create an objective picture of what the concept means by juxtaposing our contemporary idea with its corollary antithesis such as in the works of Roy Baumeister and Nicholas Emler.^[7] Emler argues that no justifiable evidence exists that low self-esteem predicts lack of success, if anything those with low self-esteem seem to try harder at things, which inevitably leads to success. Baumeister ups the ante a notch by saying that high self-esteem can actually cause harm. He and other psychologists have conducted studies that demonstrate that those with high self-esteem pose a greater threat to people around them than those with low-self esteem. Lauren then goes ahead to suggest self-control as the term we should employ instead of self-esteem, since discipline which drives self-control leads to a balanced person.

Now, I do not think there is anything essentially wrong with the concept of self-esteem. Neither do I see a problem with proposing high self-esteem as a standard to strive for. The problem, I believe is in our understanding of the self and self-esteem, which we explored earlier. For if as a self, I am only that which is capable of possessing; intellect or material goods, then it will make sense that my understanding of self-esteem high or low will flounder because my sense of esteem, high or low will be proportionate to how much I think I possess a certain sought after prize as determined by my environment. For instance Baumeister comments, “people with high self-esteem may indeed have accurate perceptions of their many fine qualities. But they may also just be arrogant.”^[8] One can say the same of someone who has low self-esteem, who thinks their qualities are below par while in actuality they are sincerely modest. In the one case, the perception of competence is correct, but self awareness is lacking, while in the other, some degree of self-awareness may be present, but does not seem to permeate the whole person.

The understanding of the self and of self-esteem should be after a manner that is honest, objective and detached. But since this is not the case, we therefore seem to interchange competence with self-esteem. And we perceive self-esteem, not as an objective phenomena, but an absolute subjective, which is not only dangerous but also foolish. Because if I believe that I am absolutely capable of flying a Fighter Jet plane because I have played countless hours of Fighter Jet video games, not only am I delusional, but am also dangerously simple.

On the positive side, these definitions of self and self-esteem reveal that both concepts imply autonomous agency and responsibility. But in our everyday interaction we hear expressions such as, “that’s how I am” or “I can’t do such as such” languages that indicate a lack of agency. Seeming to imply that the way we experience ourselves in a certain situation is all that there is to us. That our actions and behaviors are indelibly etched into our DNA and therefore our personalities are determined by unknown forces beyond our control.

Assuming this is the reality, it becomes impossible for anyone to rebuild their sense of self; a person with low self-esteem can never have high self-esteem and a jerk with high self-esteem, well…we got to put up with him/her because that’s what nature has given us. And we cannot demand any standards from them, because they are not responsible for their actions. I therefore believe a new paradigm is necessary. Self-worthiness maybe a better paradigm through which to address our issues of esteem. The value or worth of a human being is in the fact of being human, not in our competencies. Self-worthiness acknowledges that you are worthy because you are human, but it also challenges you to be the best human you can possibly be. It does not admit of degrees, because what makes you worthy is not in anything you do or don’t do. You are worthy because you are human. Self-worthiness demands certain responsibilities of you. It demands; Self-awareness, Self-mastery and Rationality, all of which requires an objective, unbiased look at oneself. It may also require soliciting honest and objective feedback from others.

Reclaiming your Self-Worthiness

How then can we take back the control we had relinquished so as to recover our sense of worthiness? First, acknowledge that we have relinquished control. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program has a set of a dozen principles. The first is, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”^[9] The meaning behind this first dictum is the realization and acknowledgement of the problem. If the alcoholic does not acknowledge that s/he is an alcoholic, there is no way they will make effort towards being sober. The same applies to our need to reclaim our sense of self-worthiness, which really is our sense of balance and psychological congruency. We first have to recognize and acknowledge that we have relinquished control for the responsibility for our lives. We have to stop the blame game; blaming everyone else about how shitty our lives have become. But then, how does one even begin to acknowledge something that he does not even know exists? There are a few things that have helped me and many others over time attain and retain a certain sense of clarity and internal guidance. I’ll now share them with you.

Self-Awareness: At the temple of Apollo at Delphi, one of the expressions over the arch way entrances into the temple reads, “Know thyself” and for our Greek scholars, γνῶθι σεαυτόν, (hope that tickled). Self-awareness is more than just knowing what color jeans you’d like to wear out to the club tonight. It is more in understanding yourself; knowing why you do what you do. Understanding why you make the choices you make. Knowing what propels you and why. Understanding why the things that make you happy, sad, excited, or enraged get you there. It is understanding what you are capable of, both good and bad, and how it is you became capable of such things. Self-awareness is in knowing your strengths, weaknesses and their degree. A few things that can help you with being self-aware are: meditation; it helps to keep us grounded within ourselves. Then there’s Journaling; which helps one reflect and encourages accountability for ones thoughts and actions. Establishing meaningful relationships; not every relationship is worth keeping. If a relationship is not helping you become your best self, let it go. Engaging in meaningful conversations; these are conversations about things that will help you improve. It is not office gossip or talking about reality tv shows.

Helpful links: https://www.headspace.com/; https://mindfulnessexercises.com/ (I have never used any of these, but people say they work). Any quiet place in your home or in nature (any park or the beach will do, for me at least).

Meaningful Work: St. Thomas Aquinas says that the human person finds fulfillment through study and work. Hence, part of reestablishing one’s sense of self-worthiness is engaging meaningful work. This is not the job you do to pay your bills, though it can be that as well. This type of work is one that allows us to expand and expend ourselves beyond our comfort zones for the good of others. It can be volunteering as often as you can at a place that people can really use your help. It can also be your regular job, insofar as you are doing it not just for the paycheck, but for the good of the people you serve through your job.

Helpful links: https://www.volunteermatch.org/ https://www.humanesociety.org/volunteer

Generosity: It can be with anything you possess; your time, money, material, knowledge, etc, anything. In short, it refers to whenever and however we can spend ourselves for the good of others. That said, it is sometimes difficult to be generous and at other times it will go unnoticed or unappreciated. However, like Theresa of Calcutta would say, “… do it anyway…. It was never between you and them anyway.” When we are generous, it brings a sense of happiness, but more importantly, it makes us more grateful. It reminds us of times we too received generosity from others. It helps create a spirit of gratitude. To begin practicing; you can donate financially to a cause, (even overseas. There are great needs for simple basic things and you can partner with someone, a church, an organizations, overseas or locally and fund children’s schooling, feeding families, etc); you can lend your expertise to people who need it; you can give away those articles of clothing or anything else from your home that are still in good condition that you no longer make use of. My own rule of thumb is, anything I don’t use after 6 months, I give away.

Helpful links: https://dressforsuccess.org/; https://baby2baby.org/

Self-esteem is a good concept but it leaves room for equivocation. Self-worthiness removes that equivocation and addresses the core of what it means to be human.

Grief & Loss

On Death and Dying

Posted on October 4, 2021October 4, 2021 by Michael Okechukwu

the death of socrates, socrates, painting-6471743.jpg

Imagine walking through a dark corridor, feeling your way as you go dreading what you might bump into. Then your hands feel a wall. Then a door, then a door knob. You grasp the knob, turn and push. Crack of light. You open all the way, behold, you find yourself in lush meadow teeming with vitality and light. That is death.

Tuesday afternoon at about 2:15pm, my phone rings. I do not recognize the caller ID but I answer any way, which is something I rarely do. “Hello.” “Is this Michael?”. “Yes, speaking.” “Who is this?” “Oh,…ahh…” comes the voice from the other side, and I could hear that she has been crying. “This is Jeane. Dannielle said I can talk to you. Hope you don’t mind?” “Oh no, not at all”, I replied. “What’s wrong?” Sniffles amidst tears at the other end. Then finally she said, “I just lost my sister. Covid. I don’t know what to do.” And she just cried. A few days later, on my way back from the gym at about 7:15pm, I was called back a classmate who’s call I missed earlier in the day. After the usual banter, he told me he’d be next week for a funeral. My heart skipped a beat. I asked who it was, concerned it was someone I knew. He said it was a family he knew from work. Then he said that the father and son both died on the same day. “What do you mean?” I asked, a bit perplexed. He said, yes, they both died on the same day, a few hours apart. I asked, “How?!” He replied, “Covid.”

Between last year and now, we have heard numerous stories similar to the ones shared above. Covid has taken a toll, shaking the fabric of our reality, causing many of our businesses to re-evaluate how they operate, employers and employees how they work. It has disrupted families, relationships and caused unspoken grief. And if you work in healthcare, you have seen more dead bodies in the past year than you have seen in your life. We have become familiar with death and the process of dying. The death toll currently is at over 4million with the US recording more than .6million. Though Covid 1 has terraformed how we function in society and conduct business, but it does not seem to have impacted how we live and relate to one another, besides encouraging isolation in our already isolating and segregating society. Jeane, the family that lost father and son on the same day, imagine their grief? Imagine the questions they’d be asking, knowing full well, there’ll be no answers. I do not have a silver bullet to the answers. But death and dying are integral to what it means to be human, hence we need talk about them. At death and through the process of dying, we seem to focus on what we’ve lost and on what are about to lose. But what if we begin to do what is counter intuitive and focus more on what we can give? If, as we say, that giving is better than receiving, maybe at the time of death and through the process of dying we, the living need focus more on what we should be giving.

A conversation on death and dying is one that many of us would rather not have, because it reminds us of the inevitability of our mortality of pain and loss. And rightly so. The ancient Romans, however, had a contrary perspective. They made efforts to remind themselves of death. History has it that when generals returned victorious from battles, while on their victory parade through the city, amid the adulations of the cheering crowds, their servants would continually whisper to them, Memento mori-Remember death. This was so that they would not be overcome by hubris, but will tame confidence and strength with humility. Marcus Aurelius, in his Meditations also reflects this depth of living. “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think”. Then the Holy book teaches “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting; for this is the end of all men, and the living will lay it to heart.” All of which implies that there is instruction in death for the living.

I however, understand the difficulty that surrounds the subject matter. I have experienced the disillusionment, confusion and pain that besieges one at these times. I lost my mother in 2012 after not having seen her for 6 years. Then my father followed 4 years later in 2016. Prior to these, I lost my cousin and best friend, our first year of college. And I have been privileged to have presided over many a funeral, and those of my parents. Through it all, what kept me going and what I started to understand through these, is this; If God loves us as much as I know He does, then there is no way death is it. There is no way death is the final stop. There has got to be more. I have contemplated death, even my own death, and it usually brings me to a place of calm and clarity. Before we discuss what the possible merits are of contemplating and
discussing death, let us make an effort to understand something of it.

I however, understand the difficulty that surrounds the subject matter. I have experienced the disillusionment, confusion and pain that besieges one at these times. I lost my mother in 2012 after not having seen her for 6 years. Then my father followed 4 years later in 2016. Prior to these, I lost my cousin and best friend, our first year of college. And I have been privileged to have presided over many a funeral, and those of my parents. Through it all, what kept me going and what I started to understand through these, is this; If God loves us as much as I know He does, then there is no way death is it. There is no way death is the final stop. There has got to be more. I have contemplated death, even my own death, and it usually brings me to a place of calm and clarity. Before we discuss what the possible merits are of contemplating and discussing death, let us make an effort to understand something of it.

What is death?
It is a biological and physiological happening that ends all life related activities in all corporeal things. The body separates from the soul, because the body, due to age, illness or injury can no longer support the soul, returning the body to its original inorganic constituent elements. Which begs the question: what happens to the soul? A question not easy to address. Some believe in the finality of death. An end into oblivion. Jean-Paul Sartre and Rilke speak of death as tumbling into nothingness. That is, death is the definitive cessation of something that was. Absolute nihilism. A view if considered, entails that life as we know it has no meaning or purpose other than what you subjectively ascribe to it, which will make each individual a deity onto him or herself. Morality as a notion is of no consequence, implying that rule of law is an arbitrary construct with no objective justification, making us all puppets to the whims of the law makers and enforcers. And the concept of hope is fallacious, since the object of hope is that which is good, which is not yet attained, but since nothing matter, then nothing can be objectively said to be good. Then even when we feel pain and regret when someone dies, it really doesn’t matter, because their existence in our lives was random and their passing away, also is nothing.

On the contrary, Martin Heidegger, identifies death as the veil of existence, “a covered
way of being, something though unknown is positive…. Death is a manner of existence as soon as it takes it for itself” . That is to say, death is the mystery of life since it is part of the process of life, yet an aspect unknown and incomprehensible in itself to us. It is however, a positive thing. Positive in as much as it continues the process of life in a manner yet unknown to our intelligence. This thinking raises questions of the possibility of an after life, and the existence of a soul.
Religious traditions and different philosophical frame works have tried to bridge the divide to go beyond Heidegger to peer as it were, beyond the veil, to explain to us what is positive in death. Christianity, for instance teaches that at death, body and soul return to their primordial substances. The body to prime matter and the soul to its spiritual state in an everlasting hereafter the quality of which is dependent on how morally sound one lived in the here and now. In line with this thought, Jesus makes a cryptic remark in the Gospels. While being quizzed on the veracity of the claim in the resurrection, he says, “… have you not read in the book of Moses, in the passage about the bush, how God said to him, `I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? He is not God of the dead, but of the living” . Which implies that these patriarchs of Judaism are indeed alive and well in an other existence. Islamic traditions
propose a similar tenet with the added value of the Houri for men who were martyred. ‘ Not a critique, but I wonder if martyred women would also get hung studs in paradise? I’d really like to know.

Now Judaism, their forebear, seem to differ slightly from this. It concedes to the separation of body and soul but does not seem to go beyond the here and now, for Yahweh, God, does not bother himself with what happens in Sheol. Then in the eastern traditions, Hinduism and Buddhism, death is a path which leads ultimately to moksha or nivarna, if one is able to liberate the atman/soul from the perpetual cycle of death and birth by meditation, good thoughts and good deeds. If these are plausible, then there is a reason for time and creation. There is a reason why you are born in this time. Let death remind you of what you have yet in yourself to
give. Live in hope. At death, questioning God may come naturally. After all, who do turn to for answers to mysterious things, if not someone who is in himself Mystery. But our time may be better spent questioning ourselves. “The terrible thing about Death,” said Malraux, “is that it transforms life into Destiny.” At death, whatever we were unable to reconcile becomes our legacy.

What does this therefore mean? In our post-truth era of Instagram, Facebook likes, and moral relativism, we need to remind ourselves, memento mori. Maybe it will help us reevaluate and re-prioritize our lives as we live it.

Michael.

1 https://covid19.who.int
2 https://www.famsf.org/blog/memento-mori-remember-you-must-die
3 Marcus Aurelius. Mediations. 2:11
4 Holy Bible (Revised Standard Version) Ecclesiastes: 7:21. https://covid19.who.int/
5 Philosophical Dictionary SV Death. Eds Walter Brugger and Kenneth Baker. Gonzaga University Press, Spokane 5 Washington, 1972
6 Being and Nothingness
7https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405883116300077
8 The Holy Bible (RSV) MK12:26-27
9 https://www.britannica.com/topic/houri
10 http://edukacja.warszawa.pl/zgp2ixd/quran-9%3A111-72-virgins-c04353
11file:///Users/michaelkene/Downloads/ANDRE_MALRAUX_TRAGIC_HUMANIST.pdf

Decision Making

The Two Ways

Posted on September 19, 2021October 14, 2021 by Michael Okechukwu

Life is difficult. Life is hard. Let no one tell you otherwise. Am not here to tell you how best to handle it so as to make it easy and pain free, though am sure many people proffer such remedies and some procure them. Neither am I here to tell you to suck it up, that’s how shit is. Nah! My goal is to x-ray, albeit brief, the two modalities for dealing with life available to everyone one of us. I am here to offer you a choice.

There is the standard, politically correct and ordinary way to approach life, let’s call it the common way. And there is the other, intense and non-apologetic approach, which I like to call the uncommon way.

There is nothing essentially wrong with either way. However, like all else, whichever way we choose has its correlate consequences. You can have just about anything you want in life, but you can’t have everything you want. Therefore, make sure that whichever way you decide on aligns with your life goals.

In a 2004 TED talk by Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi, he asks the question, “What makes life worth living?” He concludes that engaging in activities that lead to what he describes as flow, are what makes life worth living. He uses interviews conducted with people in different endeavors of life; athletes, musicians, mothers and CEOs, and each describes what it is like when they are at their best. They all describe a certain sense of unawareness of time and certain sense of effortlessness. These individuals are able to focus all of their psychic energy on the task at hand, that there is none left to spare. If you want an in-depth excursus on the topic I recommend reading his book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (a great read by the way). Another not so flattering revelation from the talk was that most people do not experience flow, but rather apathy, which is that state of insipid blandness that drains the vim out of life. The kicker from the talk for me was that watching TV is the single largest contributor to people feeling this sense of apathy. I guess…, watch the amount of TV you watch? Flow, he says occurs when people are doing what they enjoy doing. It is that mental zone into which we enter when we are engaged in doing something we enjoy that requires a higher than average level of challenge and skill. Now what has this got to do with anything? Everything!

Most people, do what most people do. That is, they go to school, or not, depending on their socio-economic background. Hurry up and get a job, if that’s the route they are expected to go. Get married if that’s what their culture or family expects of them. Have children, if that’s expected, then maybe get a divorce if the pressure of it all becomes ‘unbearable.’ Hang out with friends or whatever you do on the weekend. And inundate every free time in-between these activities with the latest show on TV. Who did not watch Game of Thrones? I know I did.

This is how most of us live and it is safe. It does not rock the boat or challenge the status quo. The underlying motivation for towing this safe path is however, evolutionarily sound. It is driven by the desire to be accepted and not ostracized by the group. An interesting digression, in ancient Athens, the worst punishment meted out to a member of the society was ostracism. Names were drawn by general consensus of individuals, (written on an ostraka; a sherd of clay on which was written the name of a person one thought should be banished) even those with wealth and political influence, deemed to be obnoxious and posed the most threat to their democracy. After the votes are tallied, the individual with the highest vote is banished for 10 years. Hence it makes sense that we do all we can to please the herd, so as to stay with it. We even have an expression to this effect, “there is safety in numbers.” Heck, if everyone is doing it, it must be right! Right? Hmmm…. Engaging in an activity simply to ‘belong’ diminishes ones sense of self and chips away at ones ability to be an individual capable of independent thinking and autonomous decisions.

This is why a woman, will remain in an abusive relationship longer than she knows is safe, while some never leave. This also explains why a guy remains at a job where he does not find any fulfillment or sense of pride because the alternative, looking for a new job, or quitting and working for himself, is scary and difficult. The fear comes from the fact that taking this new stance entails unknowns and uncertainties, and difficult because the responsibility of what happens next is entirely yours. What your life is, what your life becomes is then in your hands! No pressure.

This same fear also impacts how we raise our children. A child does not make the cut for the school team or is not featured in the school play, mom and or dad is up in arms, ready to bring down the entire school system. A child is not doing well at school, parents blame the school and the teachers for assigning too much or too difficult homework. I get it; we are trying to protect them from the difficulties of life. However, this only makes them weak, yet we blame video games when they snap at the slightest pressure. While all along, we have taught them that responsibility for their lives’ outcome depend on what others do or do not do. We teach them that their own actions no matter how inappropriate, irresponsible or mediocre are enough.

What do you have to look forward to if you choose to live the common way? Have lots of people in your life that do not contribute to your personal growth, who only drain you of energy and do not challenge you to be your best. Always busy doing things you have no interest in. Remain at a job or in a relationship that sucks the life out of you. Have dreams, and have them remain just that- dreams. Never having control over your life, and thinking that everyone else has control over you. But like I said, it is ok. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this approach, as long as it aligns with what you want out of life.

However, there is the uncommon way which you are already familiar with. You recognize this way, a lot of the times, in that imperceptible almost instinctual, intuitive, nudge. We usually dismiss it because it seems too bold, outlandish and scary as fuck! For instance, I was a catholic priest for 5 years before deciding to leave the priesthood, though all the while I was in the seminary, I knew I did not want to be a priest, I knew right from my first few days as a first-year student in the junior seminary. But, that fear of that unknown and the uncertainties held me back. I also felt it will make me a quitter. But what’s the point of holding onto something when your heart is not in it? Don’t get me wrong, I still got mad love for God and the Catholic Church. But, the priesthood…, that’s not for me.

The problem with the uncommon way is that; it is not what people normally do. It is unique to you. It is unpopular. Most people will not encourage you to take that route. They’d actually think you a bit out there, if you even mention it. And this way comes with a lot of responsibility; whether you sink or swim, is entirely up to you. Now who wouldn’t want someone to blame when things don’t go right?! Living this way, as difficult and challenging as it is, at least initially, encourages you to be fully alive. It brings out the best in you and gives you the superpower to see the beauty in the rose with all its thorns. The real you will become manifest and the world will be better for it.

What do you have to look forward to if you choose the uncommon way? There is the possibility you will begin to find real joy and happiness in your life. There is the possibility that you will begin to experience control in your life, which you may not have been experiencing. There is the possibility that you will begin to develop strengths and skills you did not even know existed in you. There is the possibility of meeting people who think like you do and that will help you walk your uncommon way. There is also the possibility that you will achieve that thing you set out to do. Most importantly, there is the possibility that you will begin to live the life you want.

If you choose to try the uncommon way, the first step is begin to pay attention to yourself. Pay attention to how you feel deep underneath, about a thing, a person. Listen to what you believe beneath what you are expected to believe. Strain to listen to that still quiet voice within you that a lot of times you may dismiss. Begin paying attention to it. The bible even tells us, “…[Establish the counsel of your own heart, for no one is more faithful to you than it is. For a man’s soul sometimes keeps him better informed than seven watchmen sitting high on a watchtower. And besides all this pray to the Most High that he may direct your way in truth.” In silence and solitude, the devout mind makes progress. Begin to learn to be self aware. As wonderful as going by the uncommon way may sound, it is not for the faint of heart. It requires guts. Lots of it!

Think about these people: Jesus, Lincoln, Ghandi, Martin Luther, Malcom X, JF. Kennedy. Take your pick of any of other successful person you know of, the stories are similar, and it may not end well. Like with some of the people already mentioned, we tend to idolize them, and rightly so. But the feathers they ruffled, demanded their pound of flesh. Hence if you do decide to live by the uncommon way, know ye this: you will ruffle feathers, and they will demand their pound of flesh. You may loose friends, be called crazy, live out of your car, or out on the streets (that is, if you are like me without a family to run back to, which I don’t encourage). Brace yourself it’s going to be a turbulent sea. But know this too, the strength you need to weather breach is already in you. If you can think it, you can do it.

Like I said before, it is your life. If you are happy with it as is, have at it, coast along. If you are not, experiment with the uncommon way for 6 months, then decide; go back to the status quo, or be your own person. LIVE THE UNCOMMON WAY.

1. Ray Dalio. Principles: Life and Work
2. https://www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_flow_the_secret_to_happiness?language=en
3. Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (Harper Perennial Modern Classics) July 1, 2008
4. The Holy Bible (Revised Standard Version) Sirach 37: 13-15
5. Thomas A Kempis. The Imitation of Christ

The Priest